We all have a time in our lives where we hope, yearn and pray that things go how you want them to then BAM!!! Everything starts spinning and youre left not knowing what the hell just happened to your life. Thats what im dealing with right now. I will admit that its my fault for thinking that i had something special when i obviously didnt. But i do have something better. My 2 dogs who i adore and keep me much better company than any human.
Im the mist of all this turmoil i have some huge decisions to make. Do i move to a place closer to where i live so i can stay in the area. Do i move closer to what used to be home even though ive been told the family doesnt want me to or so i take the HUGE plunge and move to Cali. Moving there would mean a completely new start in life. I have some opportunities out there and a chance to make an actual life for myself. I can get my writing done out there and get published. I can work on becoming a dog trainer, of which ive already trained one Service Dog and have another one in training who is doing really well even with a few set backs that were caused by me.
The hardest part of training your own service dog is when you have a bad day and need them to work and do training and you cant get out of bed...so it sets you back a step and lately ive had a lot of those kind of days. I just need a new start for me and the boys. I think if i wait til next month, meaning November, ugh, yes im off on my months but if i wait til them and move out there then i can get whatever is wrong with my car fixed first so i will be safer to travel in my bumblebee...
I know my status on yahoo says "ill never let myself love again" and its true. While ill love someone i will never let myself actually fall in love with anyone. I need to learn to be stronger, more self sufficient make a living on my own and stand on my won two feet. I cant do that where im at, its just not possible. this area, while i love it i cant stay in it due to all the pain this place has caused. Two breakups, one recent that ripped my heart out, and the one almost 5 years ago that destroyed me and i still deal with it. every night in my dreams all these people are trying to kill me,
I know my life is not of the norm and i like it that way. Normal is boring...I want excitement in my life and it kills me inside that i just lost my family. No one understands it like i wish they would. I mean i not only lost my Master but also my sisters. They remain a family without me and have each other while im just hanging out in the basement feeling like a 3rd wheel, unwelcome and alone. They try and tell me im not alone but it sure in the hell doesnt feel like i have anything left. Id give anything and do anything to prove to them that im worthy of being back in the family but i know that wont happen. It seems all they talk about is "when i move" or "why did you do that when you should be saving up for a place.
I know i know, right now im a mixture of contradiction but i dont know what else to do. My head is going in all kinds of directions and i dont know which road to take. I mean this past month has been worse than that last month i was with John, where we had broken up and i was working on relocating and he was soo rude to me at times. At least im not running into much rudeness and when i do encounter it i simply leave the room and ignore it. I cant help it. Same thing with my chatting, i keep saying things that i mean and are true in my heart but are mean to say to a person but i cant handle that everyone else is this happy little family and ive been pushed out because i made some mistakes. It makes no sense, im fucking human. Sure i took my meds wrong at times but the thing is that the meds im on im just getting used to and i dont knwo what to do. I got kicked out because they thought i was abusing my meds and maybe at times i do but if anyone else lives in my fucking head they would try and medicate themselves too. I mean you try living with the fact that youve not been a virgin since you were 2 years old because your brother abused you, the years of abuse from my step dad, the rape that resulted in the birth of my daughter, not to mention my mother trying to poison me, her taking over when it came to my kids, a different brother raping you. I mean sure at times i am grateful that she helped me with the kids but i wish i could do it over and i wouldnt have left them, things would have been different. I wouldnt have let a man tell me that i need to stay away from them like i did for 9 years.
Why, why in the hell do i let men control me. Ive collared myself as a symbol of taking control of my own life and if i ever decide to hand this collar over for a Masters collar he will be one fucking special Master because im not about to hand this over to just anyone.
Im just soo lost right now that i feel like ill never find my way.
