So, im laying in bed at 3:53 in the am and wondering what life has in store in the next few months ahead for me. I just canceled a "date" for tomorrow, guy wasnt a loser but at the same time was intimidated by the fact that i have a Service Dog. Can i function without a Service Dog? No, they are what has kept me alive this long and maybe a crutch of some sort but i cant help it, When i go out without Jasper im a wreck.
I dont know if ill end up in Cali, Virginia or stay here in Columbus at this point. I just know that when it comes down to it i dont feel i belong anywhere right now and i wish i had somewhere i could call home and feel like its home.
I look around my room and see my plants, my belongings and my dogs. Im at a crossroads where i need to decide what stays and what goes. I have boxes, many boxes, too many in fact. I probably have a dozen boxes and my belongings will probably fit in 5 or 6 of them. Of course maybe less as i plan on getting rid of a lot of stuff. Its just things after all and it can be replaced.
One thing that cant be replaced is Bones. I had considered letting him stay here with my roommates so that i could finish Jaspers training and just make it easier on Bones all the way around but i wonder if separating him from me will just cause a depression that could kill him. I remember a few years back when i took a short trip and left him home and i was told that the entire 3 days he stayed in the bathroom and refused to come out. He didnt eat, go outside or anything, and they couldnt get him to move off my shirt i had left on the floor before i left. The more i think about it the more i realize that hes going to have to stay with me. He is 12, and may not be around much longer and i want this time with him and its not fair to force him to change his life after depending on me for so long.
im scared right now, desperately scared. I have no idea where my life is going, what i want to do or any of that. I thought that once i was approved for Social Security disability that life would be good, instead its just confusing as hell. I dont know how to function on my own, the new found freedom of having my own money and car is nice though as is having the dogs. I think most of my joy these days comes from time i spend with them.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Im a loser.
Ive been seeing posts about body shaming lately and they kind of hit home for me. Ive always been overweight and miserable, but this past year ive taken the bull by the horns and taken control of the issue. I can now look in a mirror and see a person who is still overweight but is healthier looking and proud of the hard work ive put in.
It used to be id avoid mirrors at all cost. I was 300+ pounds, with soo many health issues that many days i could hardly get out fo bed. My legs would swell up to where i couldnt find my ankles and barely bend my legs. It wasnt until i was diagnosed with diabetes that i decided i had to make a HUGE change, so i joined weight watchers and started walking and now im down 70 pounds and still losing. Hence why i call myself a loser, its not in a negative term at all but a positive one.
I struggle at times and still binge when im upset but i count everything that goes in my mouth and never let myself go beyond my points. If i binge i simply count it and then eat less or different the rest of the day. Even that cupcake i had last week, i counted it, im not ashamed of the food i eat now, i just eat moderately and watch my portions.
Two months ago my doctor called me the incredibly shrinking woman, and it felt good. I plan on continuing on this path for as long as it takes to get to my goal of 160. Im about 80 pounds away from it but im close to half way there and i know if i lost this much i can lose the rest.
The toughest part was the plateau i had over the past month, i hovered at the same weight for that time and have finally broken through it. How did i do it??? Well i went off the plan for a week and ate how i used to, then went back on track and it seemed to work.
I exercise more, even if im not walking the dogs as much im still doing crunches and other exercises in the house every day and some yoga as well.
The interesting thing is grocery shopping, i love off my protein shakes, slim fast , fruit and vegis. I do have some of the lean cuisine meals that i eat when im wanting regular food, which isnt often as food doesnt even taste good to me most of the time.
So to wrap this up im moving in the rightdirection and it has more been easy but its been worth it, only issue now is clothing, nothing fits, everything is too big, but i am working on selling my old clothing and getting new, or new ish. as while im still losing weight i buy either thrift store stuff or clothes that are really cheap. I refuse to spend much on clothing that i wont be in long. I have some people telling me i should hang on to some of my old too big clothingjust in case but theres no way im going back to that unhealthy self.
It used to be id avoid mirrors at all cost. I was 300+ pounds, with soo many health issues that many days i could hardly get out fo bed. My legs would swell up to where i couldnt find my ankles and barely bend my legs. It wasnt until i was diagnosed with diabetes that i decided i had to make a HUGE change, so i joined weight watchers and started walking and now im down 70 pounds and still losing. Hence why i call myself a loser, its not in a negative term at all but a positive one.
I struggle at times and still binge when im upset but i count everything that goes in my mouth and never let myself go beyond my points. If i binge i simply count it and then eat less or different the rest of the day. Even that cupcake i had last week, i counted it, im not ashamed of the food i eat now, i just eat moderately and watch my portions.
Two months ago my doctor called me the incredibly shrinking woman, and it felt good. I plan on continuing on this path for as long as it takes to get to my goal of 160. Im about 80 pounds away from it but im close to half way there and i know if i lost this much i can lose the rest.
The toughest part was the plateau i had over the past month, i hovered at the same weight for that time and have finally broken through it. How did i do it??? Well i went off the plan for a week and ate how i used to, then went back on track and it seemed to work.
I exercise more, even if im not walking the dogs as much im still doing crunches and other exercises in the house every day and some yoga as well.
The interesting thing is grocery shopping, i love off my protein shakes, slim fast , fruit and vegis. I do have some of the lean cuisine meals that i eat when im wanting regular food, which isnt often as food doesnt even taste good to me most of the time.
So to wrap this up im moving in the rightdirection and it has more been easy but its been worth it, only issue now is clothing, nothing fits, everything is too big, but i am working on selling my old clothing and getting new, or new ish. as while im still losing weight i buy either thrift store stuff or clothes that are really cheap. I refuse to spend much on clothing that i wont be in long. I have some people telling me i should hang on to some of my old too big clothingjust in case but theres no way im going back to that unhealthy self.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Ive lost my way
We all have a time in our lives where we hope, yearn and pray that things go how you want them to then BAM!!! Everything starts spinning and youre left not knowing what the hell just happened to your life. Thats what im dealing with right now. I will admit that its my fault for thinking that i had something special when i obviously didnt. But i do have something better. My 2 dogs who i adore and keep me much better company than any human.
Im the mist of all this turmoil i have some huge decisions to make. Do i move to a place closer to where i live so i can stay in the area. Do i move closer to what used to be home even though ive been told the family doesnt want me to or so i take the HUGE plunge and move to Cali. Moving there would mean a completely new start in life. I have some opportunities out there and a chance to make an actual life for myself. I can get my writing done out there and get published. I can work on becoming a dog trainer, of which ive already trained one Service Dog and have another one in training who is doing really well even with a few set backs that were caused by me.
The hardest part of training your own service dog is when you have a bad day and need them to work and do training and you cant get out of bed...so it sets you back a step and lately ive had a lot of those kind of days. I just need a new start for me and the boys. I think if i wait til next month, meaning November, ugh, yes im off on my months but if i wait til them and move out there then i can get whatever is wrong with my car fixed first so i will be safer to travel in my bumblebee...
I know my status on yahoo says "ill never let myself love again" and its true. While ill love someone i will never let myself actually fall in love with anyone. I need to learn to be stronger, more self sufficient make a living on my own and stand on my won two feet. I cant do that where im at, its just not possible. this area, while i love it i cant stay in it due to all the pain this place has caused. Two breakups, one recent that ripped my heart out, and the one almost 5 years ago that destroyed me and i still deal with it. every night in my dreams all these people are trying to kill me,
I know my life is not of the norm and i like it that way. Normal is boring...I want excitement in my life and it kills me inside that i just lost my family. No one understands it like i wish they would. I mean i not only lost my Master but also my sisters. They remain a family without me and have each other while im just hanging out in the basement feeling like a 3rd wheel, unwelcome and alone. They try and tell me im not alone but it sure in the hell doesnt feel like i have anything left. Id give anything and do anything to prove to them that im worthy of being back in the family but i know that wont happen. It seems all they talk about is "when i move" or "why did you do that when you should be saving up for a place.
I know i know, right now im a mixture of contradiction but i dont know what else to do. My head is going in all kinds of directions and i dont know which road to take. I mean this past month has been worse than that last month i was with John, where we had broken up and i was working on relocating and he was soo rude to me at times. At least im not running into much rudeness and when i do encounter it i simply leave the room and ignore it. I cant help it. Same thing with my chatting, i keep saying things that i mean and are true in my heart but are mean to say to a person but i cant handle that everyone else is this happy little family and ive been pushed out because i made some mistakes. It makes no sense, im fucking human. Sure i took my meds wrong at times but the thing is that the meds im on im just getting used to and i dont knwo what to do. I got kicked out because they thought i was abusing my meds and maybe at times i do but if anyone else lives in my fucking head they would try and medicate themselves too. I mean you try living with the fact that youve not been a virgin since you were 2 years old because your brother abused you, the years of abuse from my step dad, the rape that resulted in the birth of my daughter, not to mention my mother trying to poison me, her taking over when it came to my kids, a different brother raping you. I mean sure at times i am grateful that she helped me with the kids but i wish i could do it over and i wouldnt have left them, things would have been different. I wouldnt have let a man tell me that i need to stay away from them like i did for 9 years.
Why, why in the hell do i let men control me. Ive collared myself as a symbol of taking control of my own life and if i ever decide to hand this collar over for a Masters collar he will be one fucking special Master because im not about to hand this over to just anyone.
Im just soo lost right now that i feel like ill never find my way.
Im the mist of all this turmoil i have some huge decisions to make. Do i move to a place closer to where i live so i can stay in the area. Do i move closer to what used to be home even though ive been told the family doesnt want me to or so i take the HUGE plunge and move to Cali. Moving there would mean a completely new start in life. I have some opportunities out there and a chance to make an actual life for myself. I can get my writing done out there and get published. I can work on becoming a dog trainer, of which ive already trained one Service Dog and have another one in training who is doing really well even with a few set backs that were caused by me.
The hardest part of training your own service dog is when you have a bad day and need them to work and do training and you cant get out of bed...so it sets you back a step and lately ive had a lot of those kind of days. I just need a new start for me and the boys. I think if i wait til next month, meaning November, ugh, yes im off on my months but if i wait til them and move out there then i can get whatever is wrong with my car fixed first so i will be safer to travel in my bumblebee...
I know my status on yahoo says "ill never let myself love again" and its true. While ill love someone i will never let myself actually fall in love with anyone. I need to learn to be stronger, more self sufficient make a living on my own and stand on my won two feet. I cant do that where im at, its just not possible. this area, while i love it i cant stay in it due to all the pain this place has caused. Two breakups, one recent that ripped my heart out, and the one almost 5 years ago that destroyed me and i still deal with it. every night in my dreams all these people are trying to kill me,
I know my life is not of the norm and i like it that way. Normal is boring...I want excitement in my life and it kills me inside that i just lost my family. No one understands it like i wish they would. I mean i not only lost my Master but also my sisters. They remain a family without me and have each other while im just hanging out in the basement feeling like a 3rd wheel, unwelcome and alone. They try and tell me im not alone but it sure in the hell doesnt feel like i have anything left. Id give anything and do anything to prove to them that im worthy of being back in the family but i know that wont happen. It seems all they talk about is "when i move" or "why did you do that when you should be saving up for a place.
I know i know, right now im a mixture of contradiction but i dont know what else to do. My head is going in all kinds of directions and i dont know which road to take. I mean this past month has been worse than that last month i was with John, where we had broken up and i was working on relocating and he was soo rude to me at times. At least im not running into much rudeness and when i do encounter it i simply leave the room and ignore it. I cant help it. Same thing with my chatting, i keep saying things that i mean and are true in my heart but are mean to say to a person but i cant handle that everyone else is this happy little family and ive been pushed out because i made some mistakes. It makes no sense, im fucking human. Sure i took my meds wrong at times but the thing is that the meds im on im just getting used to and i dont knwo what to do. I got kicked out because they thought i was abusing my meds and maybe at times i do but if anyone else lives in my fucking head they would try and medicate themselves too. I mean you try living with the fact that youve not been a virgin since you were 2 years old because your brother abused you, the years of abuse from my step dad, the rape that resulted in the birth of my daughter, not to mention my mother trying to poison me, her taking over when it came to my kids, a different brother raping you. I mean sure at times i am grateful that she helped me with the kids but i wish i could do it over and i wouldnt have left them, things would have been different. I wouldnt have let a man tell me that i need to stay away from them like i did for 9 years.
Why, why in the hell do i let men control me. Ive collared myself as a symbol of taking control of my own life and if i ever decide to hand this collar over for a Masters collar he will be one fucking special Master because im not about to hand this over to just anyone.
Im just soo lost right now that i feel like ill never find my way.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday thoughts
Life is what we make of it and this weekend i made it a fun one, i stayed at my best friends house. I love it here and hate that in a few hours ill be leaving and going back home. Its soo non stressful here for me and they are all soo silly and love my dogs too of course and they have some cool cats and an adorable little dog too. I think ive had more hugs this weekend than ive had in the past 4 years combined.
Yes, im a bit down, not at the end of my rope yet though im sitting here thinking about something odd, my shoes. I love my running shoes, they are all magenta with a bit of silver and blue on them and they have taken me soo many steps. They have taken me through blendon woods to see things that ive never seen before, they have made it able for me to run my first 5k and able to do more 5ks that i have planned. They are starting to show their age a bit but hay thats okay, they have earned it getting worn in and while ive been looking at other pairs i may end up trying to find these when they wear out, these exact shoes and just replace them....
The weight ive lost since having these shoes is amazing, 80 pounds now...and its hard for me to even believe it but its what the scale says...and my one shorts i just bought i cant wear anymore because as soon as i try to walk in them they fall off and they ate a 14 so i have no clue what size i am anymore. I just wear what i know fits and replace things here and there with a size smaller when i notice clothes being too loose on me. Its like my jeans i bought, $40 jeans and now they just fall right off, i weigh less now than i did when i met my ex, which is amazing. I blame Jasper...no, lol, not really but he has been an inspiration for walking and jogging more because he requires soo much more exercise than Bones does. Jasper is getting big and going through another growth spurt again. Hes exhausted still today after doing the 5k yesterday so we will probably just take a late evening stroll and not do anything too much and let our bodies rest...but tomorrow when that alarm goes off at 630...i plan on getting up and doing my 5 miles by 9am then ill have to get ready for my appointments.
my body is a bit tired today and sore but not nearly what i thought it would be and im happy about that. i mean i didnt really prep for the duck race like i should have so im surprised i even managed to improve my time.
Yes, im a bit down, not at the end of my rope yet though im sitting here thinking about something odd, my shoes. I love my running shoes, they are all magenta with a bit of silver and blue on them and they have taken me soo many steps. They have taken me through blendon woods to see things that ive never seen before, they have made it able for me to run my first 5k and able to do more 5ks that i have planned. They are starting to show their age a bit but hay thats okay, they have earned it getting worn in and while ive been looking at other pairs i may end up trying to find these when they wear out, these exact shoes and just replace them....
The weight ive lost since having these shoes is amazing, 80 pounds now...and its hard for me to even believe it but its what the scale says...and my one shorts i just bought i cant wear anymore because as soon as i try to walk in them they fall off and they ate a 14 so i have no clue what size i am anymore. I just wear what i know fits and replace things here and there with a size smaller when i notice clothes being too loose on me. Its like my jeans i bought, $40 jeans and now they just fall right off, i weigh less now than i did when i met my ex, which is amazing. I blame Jasper...no, lol, not really but he has been an inspiration for walking and jogging more because he requires soo much more exercise than Bones does. Jasper is getting big and going through another growth spurt again. Hes exhausted still today after doing the 5k yesterday so we will probably just take a late evening stroll and not do anything too much and let our bodies rest...but tomorrow when that alarm goes off at 630...i plan on getting up and doing my 5 miles by 9am then ill have to get ready for my appointments.
my body is a bit tired today and sore but not nearly what i thought it would be and im happy about that. i mean i didnt really prep for the duck race like i should have so im surprised i even managed to improve my time.
Back at the house
Im back home today and things are in total disarray, my stuff anyway and i dont know if i should unpack things or not right now. I guess that will get figured out in time. It feels good to be back here though even if it was scary as hell coming back.
My weekend was wonderful, i love julies house and family and i feel loved there for who i am. I should feel that way here and im getting there again. I did get an apology from kytten last night and that felt nice but i know i need to do the same in return to everyone and it will come when i find the words. It may have to be in written form at first then go from there as im not good with words.
I did make a HUGE decision today with my counselor and thats to try and not use my anxiety meds(xanax) and see if between Jasper, Bones, deep breathing and meditation i can learn to manage it without meds. Im going to try. Im afraid to try meditation again as it seems to cause flashbacks but maybe i need to let those happen and let my mind tell me the whole store of what happened.
Man did getting another 5k accomplished feel good, it was hard having Matt there but im glad in the end he was even if it made me cry to see him standing at the finish line waiting on me.
Jasper is becoming such a perfect Service dog, He worked hard at the 5k and even got to where he was ignoring the other dogs. Ive worked soo hard on him with that and im finally seeing progress. and the whole weekend at julies neither of the dogs had any accidents and both were right there for every melt down i had as was julie and shaliah. Blood does not make family, love does and i know julie and shaliah are part of that family. I hope i can repair things with Matt and Becca especially...and yes even kytten. While its nice to be talking with my blood family again i dont feel the closeness that i do with those that i live with or close to.
My weekend was wonderful, i love julies house and family and i feel loved there for who i am. I should feel that way here and im getting there again. I did get an apology from kytten last night and that felt nice but i know i need to do the same in return to everyone and it will come when i find the words. It may have to be in written form at first then go from there as im not good with words.
I did make a HUGE decision today with my counselor and thats to try and not use my anxiety meds(xanax) and see if between Jasper, Bones, deep breathing and meditation i can learn to manage it without meds. Im going to try. Im afraid to try meditation again as it seems to cause flashbacks but maybe i need to let those happen and let my mind tell me the whole store of what happened.
Man did getting another 5k accomplished feel good, it was hard having Matt there but im glad in the end he was even if it made me cry to see him standing at the finish line waiting on me.
Jasper is becoming such a perfect Service dog, He worked hard at the 5k and even got to where he was ignoring the other dogs. Ive worked soo hard on him with that and im finally seeing progress. and the whole weekend at julies neither of the dogs had any accidents and both were right there for every melt down i had as was julie and shaliah. Blood does not make family, love does and i know julie and shaliah are part of that family. I hope i can repair things with Matt and Becca especially...and yes even kytten. While its nice to be talking with my blood family again i dont feel the closeness that i do with those that i live with or close to.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Current life
Holy cow how life can take its twists and turns. One day im happy and the next my life was upside down. Yesterday though i did my second 5k and its the first one since the concussion,.I managed to shave some time off my speed and im happy with that.
This last week has been the worst since John and i broke up, and thats saying a lot. Im doing everything i can to hold myself together but its just not working...ive tried not taking my meds for the attacks but then i take them and i end up taking more of them til i end up just crying myself to sleep because the dose im on isnt enough to actually help...Even when i use the back up one with it...soo im out of the one right now and have my backup ones to take...thank goodness for my dogs...they are the only thing holding me together. Now im even questioning who i am. Do i really contradict myself that much??? I dont mean to but now it has me second guessing every action i make and stopping to think before i say a word now...im already feeling like im walking on egg shells but its turning into glass at this point.
Ive spent the weekend with my best friend and have to go back home today and im not ready to, i asked matt to please let me know when he gets home from gaming so i can to home and not be alone with the girls but i dont know what im going to do tomorrow, i mean i have 2 appointments to deal and they are about an hour apart so ill go from one to the other then back home. I guess ill gate Bones down in the basement while im gone, Maybe even Jasper, i want to see if i can handle going out without him, scratch that, my noon appointment is counseling and ill NEED him there. Thats the nice thing about dogs, always there when you need them, non judgmental and with mine being service dogs always there to help me get through even the worst of days. Theres times when im so upset i dont want touched because i know ill break down and cry but i can let Jasper do DPT on me and cry it out and im fine with his touch.
As far as things with matt go i have no idea if things can be fixed, i dont know if i want them fixed honestly because ive caused soo much hurt already that im afraid it will just cause more if we try to make up, And yes leaving him means leaving everything and everyone behind but thats life, we do what we have to to survive.
I dont even know what i feel anymore, i dont know what i think i dont know anything, except that im a mess and i dont feel safe going back home today. Matt wouldnt let anything happen to me and i believe that with all my heart but onw of the girls i have doubts about and im not sure what to do.
Matt did say that in a few sundays from now we are going to see my kids and i told him there was no reason for me to because i would just be popping into their lives then back out again as im moving to cali..but he seems to think i need to do it. But heres the other side, mom likes matt or at least the matt she has seen pics of and ive told her about and i also told her we ended things because i thought we had and now how do i take him there and introduce him to the family, as my friend, roommate, boyfriend??? i dont know, i just dont know. I know what i want to say but i also know thats not a possibility either at this point.
I just need to get my head into the books and hands crocheting and work on getting ready for cali where i have a new life waiting for me in 2 different places and honestly i think id rather be by the Sect than the other place. If its not matt i dont want a relationship right now. Im not ready, theres too much pain to work through and recover from.
This last week has been the worst since John and i broke up, and thats saying a lot. Im doing everything i can to hold myself together but its just not working...ive tried not taking my meds for the attacks but then i take them and i end up taking more of them til i end up just crying myself to sleep because the dose im on isnt enough to actually help...Even when i use the back up one with it...soo im out of the one right now and have my backup ones to take...thank goodness for my dogs...they are the only thing holding me together. Now im even questioning who i am. Do i really contradict myself that much??? I dont mean to but now it has me second guessing every action i make and stopping to think before i say a word now...im already feeling like im walking on egg shells but its turning into glass at this point.
Ive spent the weekend with my best friend and have to go back home today and im not ready to, i asked matt to please let me know when he gets home from gaming so i can to home and not be alone with the girls but i dont know what im going to do tomorrow, i mean i have 2 appointments to deal and they are about an hour apart so ill go from one to the other then back home. I guess ill gate Bones down in the basement while im gone, Maybe even Jasper, i want to see if i can handle going out without him, scratch that, my noon appointment is counseling and ill NEED him there. Thats the nice thing about dogs, always there when you need them, non judgmental and with mine being service dogs always there to help me get through even the worst of days. Theres times when im so upset i dont want touched because i know ill break down and cry but i can let Jasper do DPT on me and cry it out and im fine with his touch.
As far as things with matt go i have no idea if things can be fixed, i dont know if i want them fixed honestly because ive caused soo much hurt already that im afraid it will just cause more if we try to make up, And yes leaving him means leaving everything and everyone behind but thats life, we do what we have to to survive.
I dont even know what i feel anymore, i dont know what i think i dont know anything, except that im a mess and i dont feel safe going back home today. Matt wouldnt let anything happen to me and i believe that with all my heart but onw of the girls i have doubts about and im not sure what to do.
Matt did say that in a few sundays from now we are going to see my kids and i told him there was no reason for me to because i would just be popping into their lives then back out again as im moving to cali..but he seems to think i need to do it. But heres the other side, mom likes matt or at least the matt she has seen pics of and ive told her about and i also told her we ended things because i thought we had and now how do i take him there and introduce him to the family, as my friend, roommate, boyfriend??? i dont know, i just dont know. I know what i want to say but i also know thats not a possibility either at this point.
I just need to get my head into the books and hands crocheting and work on getting ready for cali where i have a new life waiting for me in 2 different places and honestly i think id rather be by the Sect than the other place. If its not matt i dont want a relationship right now. Im not ready, theres too much pain to work through and recover from.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Book ***Possible Trigger****
So im working on my book today, or trying to...Ive had a late start to the day and I have a Jasper, one of my dogs, whining and carrying on. I dont know what his problem is or what he needs. Ive taken him out twice, fed him, then we played and did a bit of training so hes been fairly active for being awake only about two hours.
Anyway, my issue is that im starting my book over and doing it in novellas instead and the beginning can go one of two ways and the way im doing it right now may just be too honest about my thoughts and feelings right now. Ive always poured myself into my writing and hold nothing back, which is a good thing and in the past ive been complimented on the fact that i tend to say what others would or could not. Problem is it has a situation in it that im still thinking over in my head of how to handle...not a bad thing but kind of unique when it comes to me. Whats worse is i can try to write it all out for the book while im working it in my head but it may take so many directions and im afraid it wont make sense to the readers. Oh well, Ill just see what happens and how it goes...I just hope it turns out good.
Other than that life is going well, i have things coming up im looking forward to. Also as anyone who knows me knows how i am about my dogs, im kind of an obsessive dog parent who puts them before anything else but im my own defense they are Service Dogs and there have been many times that Bones has saved my life and Jasper is in training for just that...and he helped me with a panic attack last night...i know at the time i didnt tell the complete truth about the attack. When questioned i said i didnt know what caused it...Then later on i admitted it was something in the movie we were watching...It was what one of the characters said, it was the same thing my father said to me when he wanted me to take my clothes off for him. Ill never forget those words and i dont think they will ever not make me shake to my core. Im doing okay today with it but i really panicked and had to have Jasper do DPT(deep pressure therapy) for a few minutes. I still today have those words going through my head but im able to stay calm while i process the thoughts of why i still let this bother me 20 years later...
Anyway, my issue is that im starting my book over and doing it in novellas instead and the beginning can go one of two ways and the way im doing it right now may just be too honest about my thoughts and feelings right now. Ive always poured myself into my writing and hold nothing back, which is a good thing and in the past ive been complimented on the fact that i tend to say what others would or could not. Problem is it has a situation in it that im still thinking over in my head of how to handle...not a bad thing but kind of unique when it comes to me. Whats worse is i can try to write it all out for the book while im working it in my head but it may take so many directions and im afraid it wont make sense to the readers. Oh well, Ill just see what happens and how it goes...I just hope it turns out good.
Other than that life is going well, i have things coming up im looking forward to. Also as anyone who knows me knows how i am about my dogs, im kind of an obsessive dog parent who puts them before anything else but im my own defense they are Service Dogs and there have been many times that Bones has saved my life and Jasper is in training for just that...and he helped me with a panic attack last night...i know at the time i didnt tell the complete truth about the attack. When questioned i said i didnt know what caused it...Then later on i admitted it was something in the movie we were watching...It was what one of the characters said, it was the same thing my father said to me when he wanted me to take my clothes off for him. Ill never forget those words and i dont think they will ever not make me shake to my core. Im doing okay today with it but i really panicked and had to have Jasper do DPT(deep pressure therapy) for a few minutes. I still today have those words going through my head but im able to stay calm while i process the thoughts of why i still let this bother me 20 years later...
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
frustration
Ive been pondering the past few days/weeks over what to do with my book since i lost soo much work and had to start over a little while ago...so...im completely starting it over. I have the first 2 paragraphs done at this point and also decided to self publish and do novellas instead of one big book. This should make it interesting, but hey, my life is interesting anyway. Take in the fact that my family now consists of 3 people and 3 dogs. The rest of my "family" and such im not going to talk about much here as its all going to be in my books...
Jasper is doing pretty well in his training, hes learning his DPT(deep pressure therapy)very well and knows 3 different ways to do it at this point. Hes getting awesome at his public access training. I retired my Service Dog Bones due to his aging but he still does things at home.
I missed my appointment with my arthritis doctor and had to reschedule it, what sucks is that the earliest appointment they had was october...but ill take what i can get as right now my lupus and fibro seem to be mild in comparison to what its been in the past. Im fairly functional right now as long as i dont let myself run out of spoons.
My PTSD had kicked up full force as of late so i went ahead and scheduled to see my shrink, i dont know if it will help but its worth a chance as my counselor wants to start a PTSD writing therapy thing with me and who knows...it just might help. I hope it does as i cant take the nightmares much longer, or the voices...its not like random scary voices telling me to do things but its my kids calling me or my mother yelling out my name...it really shakes me to my core. Jasper has been helping with it though. he cant read me yet, as far as my different body vibrations and to react without he asking him to but he does do what i need him to and when i need him to and it still makes a difference.
Ill be taking my walk soon and hope to work in some jogging as well, Jasper makes a great partner for this and we are doing our first 5k this month. Im very excited about it, its been a goal of mine for years and im finally getting a chance to do it.
Not too busy of a day today, just doing the normal things and working in more writing and hopefully some crochet as i need to get some things posted on Etsy again. Im wanting to finish my shell pattern afghan and do a popcorn stitch one to post as well. I havent sold any of my crochet stuff in quite a while and need to get things selling, as long as getting my writing selling once i get something finished. I figure if im doing novellas instead i can probably get one out by the end of the month on amazon...
Jasper is doing pretty well in his training, hes learning his DPT(deep pressure therapy)very well and knows 3 different ways to do it at this point. Hes getting awesome at his public access training. I retired my Service Dog Bones due to his aging but he still does things at home.
I missed my appointment with my arthritis doctor and had to reschedule it, what sucks is that the earliest appointment they had was october...but ill take what i can get as right now my lupus and fibro seem to be mild in comparison to what its been in the past. Im fairly functional right now as long as i dont let myself run out of spoons.
My PTSD had kicked up full force as of late so i went ahead and scheduled to see my shrink, i dont know if it will help but its worth a chance as my counselor wants to start a PTSD writing therapy thing with me and who knows...it just might help. I hope it does as i cant take the nightmares much longer, or the voices...its not like random scary voices telling me to do things but its my kids calling me or my mother yelling out my name...it really shakes me to my core. Jasper has been helping with it though. he cant read me yet, as far as my different body vibrations and to react without he asking him to but he does do what i need him to and when i need him to and it still makes a difference.
Ill be taking my walk soon and hope to work in some jogging as well, Jasper makes a great partner for this and we are doing our first 5k this month. Im very excited about it, its been a goal of mine for years and im finally getting a chance to do it.
Not too busy of a day today, just doing the normal things and working in more writing and hopefully some crochet as i need to get some things posted on Etsy again. Im wanting to finish my shell pattern afghan and do a popcorn stitch one to post as well. I havent sold any of my crochet stuff in quite a while and need to get things selling, as long as getting my writing selling once i get something finished. I figure if im doing novellas instead i can probably get one out by the end of the month on amazon...
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