Holy cow how life can take its twists and turns. One day im happy and the next my life was upside down. Yesterday though i did my second 5k and its the first one since the concussion,.I managed to shave some time off my speed and im happy with that.
This last week has been the worst since John and i broke up, and thats saying a lot. Im doing everything i can to hold myself together but its just not working...ive tried not taking my meds for the attacks but then i take them and i end up taking more of them til i end up just crying myself to sleep because the dose im on isnt enough to actually help...Even when i use the back up one with it...soo im out of the one right now and have my backup ones to take...thank goodness for my dogs...they are the only thing holding me together. Now im even questioning who i am. Do i really contradict myself that much??? I dont mean to but now it has me second guessing every action i make and stopping to think before i say a word now...im already feeling like im walking on egg shells but its turning into glass at this point.
Ive spent the weekend with my best friend and have to go back home today and im not ready to, i asked matt to please let me know when he gets home from gaming so i can to home and not be alone with the girls but i dont know what im going to do tomorrow, i mean i have 2 appointments to deal and they are about an hour apart so ill go from one to the other then back home. I guess ill gate Bones down in the basement while im gone, Maybe even Jasper, i want to see if i can handle going out without him, scratch that, my noon appointment is counseling and ill NEED him there. Thats the nice thing about dogs, always there when you need them, non judgmental and with mine being service dogs always there to help me get through even the worst of days. Theres times when im so upset i dont want touched because i know ill break down and cry but i can let Jasper do DPT on me and cry it out and im fine with his touch.
As far as things with matt go i have no idea if things can be fixed, i dont know if i want them fixed honestly because ive caused soo much hurt already that im afraid it will just cause more if we try to make up, And yes leaving him means leaving everything and everyone behind but thats life, we do what we have to to survive.
I dont even know what i feel anymore, i dont know what i think i dont know anything, except that im a mess and i dont feel safe going back home today. Matt wouldnt let anything happen to me and i believe that with all my heart but onw of the girls i have doubts about and im not sure what to do.
Matt did say that in a few sundays from now we are going to see my kids and i told him there was no reason for me to because i would just be popping into their lives then back out again as im moving to cali..but he seems to think i need to do it. But heres the other side, mom likes matt or at least the matt she has seen pics of and ive told her about and i also told her we ended things because i thought we had and now how do i take him there and introduce him to the family, as my friend, roommate, boyfriend??? i dont know, i just dont know. I know what i want to say but i also know thats not a possibility either at this point.
I just need to get my head into the books and hands crocheting and work on getting ready for cali where i have a new life waiting for me in 2 different places and honestly i think id rather be by the Sect than the other place. If its not matt i dont want a relationship right now. Im not ready, theres too much pain to work through and recover from.
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