Life is what we make of it and this weekend i made it a fun one, i stayed at my best friends house. I love it here and hate that in a few hours ill be leaving and going back home. Its soo non stressful here for me and they are all soo silly and love my dogs too of course and they have some cool cats and an adorable little dog too. I think ive had more hugs this weekend than ive had in the past 4 years combined.
Yes, im a bit down, not at the end of my rope yet though im sitting here thinking about something odd, my shoes. I love my running shoes, they are all magenta with a bit of silver and blue on them and they have taken me soo many steps. They have taken me through blendon woods to see things that ive never seen before, they have made it able for me to run my first 5k and able to do more 5ks that i have planned. They are starting to show their age a bit but hay thats okay, they have earned it getting worn in and while ive been looking at other pairs i may end up trying to find these when they wear out, these exact shoes and just replace them....
The weight ive lost since having these shoes is amazing, 80 pounds now...and its hard for me to even believe it but its what the scale says...and my one shorts i just bought i cant wear anymore because as soon as i try to walk in them they fall off and they ate a 14 so i have no clue what size i am anymore. I just wear what i know fits and replace things here and there with a size smaller when i notice clothes being too loose on me. Its like my jeans i bought, $40 jeans and now they just fall right off, i weigh less now than i did when i met my ex, which is amazing. I blame Jasper...no, lol, not really but he has been an inspiration for walking and jogging more because he requires soo much more exercise than Bones does. Jasper is getting big and going through another growth spurt again. Hes exhausted still today after doing the 5k yesterday so we will probably just take a late evening stroll and not do anything too much and let our bodies rest...but tomorrow when that alarm goes off at 630...i plan on getting up and doing my 5 miles by 9am then ill have to get ready for my appointments.
my body is a bit tired today and sore but not nearly what i thought it would be and im happy about that. i mean i didnt really prep for the duck race like i should have so im surprised i even managed to improve my time.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Back at the house
Im back home today and things are in total disarray, my stuff anyway and i dont know if i should unpack things or not right now. I guess that will get figured out in time. It feels good to be back here though even if it was scary as hell coming back.
My weekend was wonderful, i love julies house and family and i feel loved there for who i am. I should feel that way here and im getting there again. I did get an apology from kytten last night and that felt nice but i know i need to do the same in return to everyone and it will come when i find the words. It may have to be in written form at first then go from there as im not good with words.
I did make a HUGE decision today with my counselor and thats to try and not use my anxiety meds(xanax) and see if between Jasper, Bones, deep breathing and meditation i can learn to manage it without meds. Im going to try. Im afraid to try meditation again as it seems to cause flashbacks but maybe i need to let those happen and let my mind tell me the whole store of what happened.
Man did getting another 5k accomplished feel good, it was hard having Matt there but im glad in the end he was even if it made me cry to see him standing at the finish line waiting on me.
Jasper is becoming such a perfect Service dog, He worked hard at the 5k and even got to where he was ignoring the other dogs. Ive worked soo hard on him with that and im finally seeing progress. and the whole weekend at julies neither of the dogs had any accidents and both were right there for every melt down i had as was julie and shaliah. Blood does not make family, love does and i know julie and shaliah are part of that family. I hope i can repair things with Matt and Becca especially...and yes even kytten. While its nice to be talking with my blood family again i dont feel the closeness that i do with those that i live with or close to.
My weekend was wonderful, i love julies house and family and i feel loved there for who i am. I should feel that way here and im getting there again. I did get an apology from kytten last night and that felt nice but i know i need to do the same in return to everyone and it will come when i find the words. It may have to be in written form at first then go from there as im not good with words.
I did make a HUGE decision today with my counselor and thats to try and not use my anxiety meds(xanax) and see if between Jasper, Bones, deep breathing and meditation i can learn to manage it without meds. Im going to try. Im afraid to try meditation again as it seems to cause flashbacks but maybe i need to let those happen and let my mind tell me the whole store of what happened.
Man did getting another 5k accomplished feel good, it was hard having Matt there but im glad in the end he was even if it made me cry to see him standing at the finish line waiting on me.
Jasper is becoming such a perfect Service dog, He worked hard at the 5k and even got to where he was ignoring the other dogs. Ive worked soo hard on him with that and im finally seeing progress. and the whole weekend at julies neither of the dogs had any accidents and both were right there for every melt down i had as was julie and shaliah. Blood does not make family, love does and i know julie and shaliah are part of that family. I hope i can repair things with Matt and Becca especially...and yes even kytten. While its nice to be talking with my blood family again i dont feel the closeness that i do with those that i live with or close to.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Current life
Holy cow how life can take its twists and turns. One day im happy and the next my life was upside down. Yesterday though i did my second 5k and its the first one since the concussion,.I managed to shave some time off my speed and im happy with that.
This last week has been the worst since John and i broke up, and thats saying a lot. Im doing everything i can to hold myself together but its just not working...ive tried not taking my meds for the attacks but then i take them and i end up taking more of them til i end up just crying myself to sleep because the dose im on isnt enough to actually help...Even when i use the back up one with it...soo im out of the one right now and have my backup ones to take...thank goodness for my dogs...they are the only thing holding me together. Now im even questioning who i am. Do i really contradict myself that much??? I dont mean to but now it has me second guessing every action i make and stopping to think before i say a word now...im already feeling like im walking on egg shells but its turning into glass at this point.
Ive spent the weekend with my best friend and have to go back home today and im not ready to, i asked matt to please let me know when he gets home from gaming so i can to home and not be alone with the girls but i dont know what im going to do tomorrow, i mean i have 2 appointments to deal and they are about an hour apart so ill go from one to the other then back home. I guess ill gate Bones down in the basement while im gone, Maybe even Jasper, i want to see if i can handle going out without him, scratch that, my noon appointment is counseling and ill NEED him there. Thats the nice thing about dogs, always there when you need them, non judgmental and with mine being service dogs always there to help me get through even the worst of days. Theres times when im so upset i dont want touched because i know ill break down and cry but i can let Jasper do DPT on me and cry it out and im fine with his touch.
As far as things with matt go i have no idea if things can be fixed, i dont know if i want them fixed honestly because ive caused soo much hurt already that im afraid it will just cause more if we try to make up, And yes leaving him means leaving everything and everyone behind but thats life, we do what we have to to survive.
I dont even know what i feel anymore, i dont know what i think i dont know anything, except that im a mess and i dont feel safe going back home today. Matt wouldnt let anything happen to me and i believe that with all my heart but onw of the girls i have doubts about and im not sure what to do.
Matt did say that in a few sundays from now we are going to see my kids and i told him there was no reason for me to because i would just be popping into their lives then back out again as im moving to cali..but he seems to think i need to do it. But heres the other side, mom likes matt or at least the matt she has seen pics of and ive told her about and i also told her we ended things because i thought we had and now how do i take him there and introduce him to the family, as my friend, roommate, boyfriend??? i dont know, i just dont know. I know what i want to say but i also know thats not a possibility either at this point.
I just need to get my head into the books and hands crocheting and work on getting ready for cali where i have a new life waiting for me in 2 different places and honestly i think id rather be by the Sect than the other place. If its not matt i dont want a relationship right now. Im not ready, theres too much pain to work through and recover from.
This last week has been the worst since John and i broke up, and thats saying a lot. Im doing everything i can to hold myself together but its just not working...ive tried not taking my meds for the attacks but then i take them and i end up taking more of them til i end up just crying myself to sleep because the dose im on isnt enough to actually help...Even when i use the back up one with it...soo im out of the one right now and have my backup ones to take...thank goodness for my dogs...they are the only thing holding me together. Now im even questioning who i am. Do i really contradict myself that much??? I dont mean to but now it has me second guessing every action i make and stopping to think before i say a word now...im already feeling like im walking on egg shells but its turning into glass at this point.
Ive spent the weekend with my best friend and have to go back home today and im not ready to, i asked matt to please let me know when he gets home from gaming so i can to home and not be alone with the girls but i dont know what im going to do tomorrow, i mean i have 2 appointments to deal and they are about an hour apart so ill go from one to the other then back home. I guess ill gate Bones down in the basement while im gone, Maybe even Jasper, i want to see if i can handle going out without him, scratch that, my noon appointment is counseling and ill NEED him there. Thats the nice thing about dogs, always there when you need them, non judgmental and with mine being service dogs always there to help me get through even the worst of days. Theres times when im so upset i dont want touched because i know ill break down and cry but i can let Jasper do DPT on me and cry it out and im fine with his touch.
As far as things with matt go i have no idea if things can be fixed, i dont know if i want them fixed honestly because ive caused soo much hurt already that im afraid it will just cause more if we try to make up, And yes leaving him means leaving everything and everyone behind but thats life, we do what we have to to survive.
I dont even know what i feel anymore, i dont know what i think i dont know anything, except that im a mess and i dont feel safe going back home today. Matt wouldnt let anything happen to me and i believe that with all my heart but onw of the girls i have doubts about and im not sure what to do.
Matt did say that in a few sundays from now we are going to see my kids and i told him there was no reason for me to because i would just be popping into their lives then back out again as im moving to cali..but he seems to think i need to do it. But heres the other side, mom likes matt or at least the matt she has seen pics of and ive told her about and i also told her we ended things because i thought we had and now how do i take him there and introduce him to the family, as my friend, roommate, boyfriend??? i dont know, i just dont know. I know what i want to say but i also know thats not a possibility either at this point.
I just need to get my head into the books and hands crocheting and work on getting ready for cali where i have a new life waiting for me in 2 different places and honestly i think id rather be by the Sect than the other place. If its not matt i dont want a relationship right now. Im not ready, theres too much pain to work through and recover from.
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