Things are changing around here and i have a feeling its going to take time for me to adjust. Im trying to get the house in order but im finding out my body is not wanting to cooperate with me. So right now its an hour of cleaning and a break, then another hours and a break and so on. I guess it doesnt matter. My goal is to have the whole house dont by the end of the week and i think thats reasonable. So at this point i got the living room picked up vacuumed and stairs vacuumed as well. Oh, also the dishes put in hot water so i can wash them in a few minutes. After straightening up the kitchen and doing dishes and cleaning the small bathroom i plan on working on my room...my room may take the rest of the day as i plan on moving the bed to the other side of the room and bigger things like that.
Ive been letting everything, the lupus, PTSD, fibromyalgia, all of it keep me down to where i could barely function for way to long, its time i showed it whos boss. Of course some of this may be coming from an increase in energy from the happy news i recently got.
Tomorrows plan, finish the livingroom as i still need to dust it and do the walls, but starting out, once coffee is made everyone has had breakfast and headed to work, im starting Zumba, or at least giving it one hell of a good try at it, also yoga...i just need to try and get my body moving any way i can right now.
Im in very positive spirits right now and i hope it stays this way.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Kind of a life update
The sun is up, im awake, dog fed and im working on drinking my 2nd cup of coffee. im somewhat awake at this point, at least enough to do a bit of writing on here. ive came up with the memory of when i used to write all the time i was journaling or blogging everyday so here goes, from here on out ill blog each day and see if my writing improves as im still struggling with my book.
Not a whole lot going on around here. I did get my SSI approved, now its just a waiting game for the call from them to set it all up. So my feelings of complete dread and being forever broke are mostly gone and im starting to get excited as im finally at the beginning of a new and hopefully happy chapter in life.
Im also doing an online course in poetry and soon my philosophy will be starting as well. Its all good things. Ive chosen my next service dog and hes a very handsome 14 week only Standard Poodle. I cant wait to get him home, as well i cant wait to get a car and some new clothes...yes it is the start to a new life for me and a better one where i can contribute to things again.
My goal in life at this point...becoming a successful writer and i have the means to do it and soon ill even have a new computer to write on as this one is on its last leg, its 5 years old so its no surprise that it needs replaced. Its been a good computer for me though and ill miss it as ive gotten so used to it. Ill probably hang onto it as a back up just in case but i wont be using it as much as the new one. Im hoping to spend a day or two a week in a coffee shop or at a park writing and of course having my dogs with me...i guess it will have to be a park as i cant take both dogs to a coffee shop but i can give Bones individual time with me by doing that. We will see what i figure out, all i know is this next dog has some HUGE shoes to fill. Bones may be a small dog but hes been the best ever for me and i have no idea how im going to get another dog to be just as good with me as far as a service dog goes...good thing he comes from good lines...maybe that will help.
I actually have a lot i want to get done today but i wanted to take some time to write as since thats kind of my goal in life right now i want to work on it as much as possible right now. I mean its the most important thing to me. I really think i have potential with my writing as i used to be told that i had people who followed everything i wrote because i can be so honest and say things most others wouldnt dare post publicly...well thats just me, i post things as they are and those who dont like it dont have to read it. I know not everyone can handle some of what i write but for me writing is my outlet and many times my opinion on things...i cant help it, i am who i am, its not going to change.
Not a whole lot going on around here. I did get my SSI approved, now its just a waiting game for the call from them to set it all up. So my feelings of complete dread and being forever broke are mostly gone and im starting to get excited as im finally at the beginning of a new and hopefully happy chapter in life.
Im also doing an online course in poetry and soon my philosophy will be starting as well. Its all good things. Ive chosen my next service dog and hes a very handsome 14 week only Standard Poodle. I cant wait to get him home, as well i cant wait to get a car and some new clothes...yes it is the start to a new life for me and a better one where i can contribute to things again.
My goal in life at this point...becoming a successful writer and i have the means to do it and soon ill even have a new computer to write on as this one is on its last leg, its 5 years old so its no surprise that it needs replaced. Its been a good computer for me though and ill miss it as ive gotten so used to it. Ill probably hang onto it as a back up just in case but i wont be using it as much as the new one. Im hoping to spend a day or two a week in a coffee shop or at a park writing and of course having my dogs with me...i guess it will have to be a park as i cant take both dogs to a coffee shop but i can give Bones individual time with me by doing that. We will see what i figure out, all i know is this next dog has some HUGE shoes to fill. Bones may be a small dog but hes been the best ever for me and i have no idea how im going to get another dog to be just as good with me as far as a service dog goes...good thing he comes from good lines...maybe that will help.
I actually have a lot i want to get done today but i wanted to take some time to write as since thats kind of my goal in life right now i want to work on it as much as possible right now. I mean its the most important thing to me. I really think i have potential with my writing as i used to be told that i had people who followed everything i wrote because i can be so honest and say things most others wouldnt dare post publicly...well thats just me, i post things as they are and those who dont like it dont have to read it. I know not everyone can handle some of what i write but for me writing is my outlet and many times my opinion on things...i cant help it, i am who i am, its not going to change.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Beaten and bruised brain
I woke up to a train wreck in my head, metaphorically of course, More vivid flashbacks than ive ever had, giving me a few more pictures and touches in my head of what happened to me. Its heart wrenching and extremely frightening. Im holding it together as i have Bones sitting here with me ( those who dont know him, hes my Service Dog for my PTSD). Im panicky, shaking, barely able to type but feel i must to try and get this put of my head. I know it wont work as it is more pieces to the puzzle i have to finish putting together but i just dont know what brought it on...was it my brothers texts even though the flash backs were not about him??? Did something else trigger it??? I have no clue this time but it felt so real, i was asleep but awake, watching what was going on in my mind...what my brain was releasing to me. Ive never had any feeling, dream or flashback like this. I was frightened and tried to scream out but couldnt, i couldnt even alert Bones that i needed him to wake me up from the odd state i was in. I really really need a shower, i feel so dirty after all of that, but im going to wait til the others in the house have had their showers this morning as i know ill take a while. Its taking everything i have not to wake up Matt just because i need to be held and feel safe, he in one of the few in this world i truly trust and know im safe with.
Maybe i let my stress build up too much, maybe it was just time for another piece to my puzzled life...i have no idea and dont really care i just know i feel like hell right now. My head is pounding, my heart is skipping beats, im nauseous and while id love to get some more sleep im afraid to sleep at the same time.
This may all sound terrible and it is but im going to use the energy of the hate and hurt and use it to work on my book today. Who knows what things ill end up writing or how much ill get done. All i know is i remember the last time i was having flashbacks i did the best writing i had ever done in my life...See, it may be a bad thing but i do know how to turn it around and make it productive and thats the key.
Maybe i let my stress build up too much, maybe it was just time for another piece to my puzzled life...i have no idea and dont really care i just know i feel like hell right now. My head is pounding, my heart is skipping beats, im nauseous and while id love to get some more sleep im afraid to sleep at the same time.
This may all sound terrible and it is but im going to use the energy of the hate and hurt and use it to work on my book today. Who knows what things ill end up writing or how much ill get done. All i know is i remember the last time i was having flashbacks i did the best writing i had ever done in my life...See, it may be a bad thing but i do know how to turn it around and make it productive and thats the key.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Who was i before...
People started telling me who i should be???
I believe i was around the age of 5, maybe even 4 years old. Thats when my imagination was taken away...for the most part anyway. Before that i was the little girl who had to hook Santas reindeer up to the front of the car at X-mas before we left for the live nativity scene. I was a carefree little red headed girl who had a mother who spoiled me. Maybe being spoiled back then and even on into my teen years is why i am how i am sometimes even today.
Once the abuse from my step-dad started my mind goes blank except for a few quick memories. My mind over the past 5 years has given me snips and little pieces of these memories so i can put the puzzle together of what really happened with him and some days when these flash backs occur im left in a balled up mess for a while unable to function.
As a little girl I collected My Little Ponys, like i do now and there are other things from my childhood that i do now. Heres the thing. When a child is abused, be it physically, mentally or sexually, many times thats where they kind of stop growing in some areas of life. Its because they are forced into having to be something they are not at the wrong age and the fact that it shouldnt happen in the first place.
After the sexual abuse started i do remember the many, many times that mom and i had to go pick up my step dad from jail, always due to not paying child support for a boy who eventually he found out wasnt even his. I dont know if anyone understands how what happened to me as a child has shaped my life. It even made me scared to be a parent even though i had 2 kids. They live with my mother now and the reasoning for that is a whole different post but its how it had to be and still needs to be. Oh and just for your own curiosity i never abused my children in any way shape or form with the exception of when i left them to be cared for by my mother. I know thats not technically abuse, but it if was it would be considered mental abuse as it really upset them and changed so much for them and im not proud of it whatsoever. There were just too many things going on that i didnt know how to handle and i ran.
Some of the things in life that im afraid of is caused by people saying that you end up like your parents. Hence why i was afraid to have kids. And being that my mother has been married 5 times and my father 4 ive avoided marriage b ecause i figure it will just end in divorce and id rather be alone than go through that pain.
I never planned on having kids but things happen, both were unplanned. My son being born my Junior year of high school, my first love is his father. And my daughter i had when i was 21 and she is the result of date rape. I honestly was going to abort her as i feel that abortion is only right in cases of rape, incest, sexual abuse or if the mother has health issues that may endanger h er life and she has children already to tend to. I do not believe it should be used as aa means of birth control but hey, my opinion is just that, my opinion. The only reason i didnt go through with the abortion is that when i went to gegt it done they did an ultrasound first and i could seen the screen and i could see her little heartbeat. At that point i just couldnt follow through.
Hmm, i need to stop on this post...some of this i was planning to include in my book and i dont want to spoil any of it to those who buy it.
I believe i was around the age of 5, maybe even 4 years old. Thats when my imagination was taken away...for the most part anyway. Before that i was the little girl who had to hook Santas reindeer up to the front of the car at X-mas before we left for the live nativity scene. I was a carefree little red headed girl who had a mother who spoiled me. Maybe being spoiled back then and even on into my teen years is why i am how i am sometimes even today.
Once the abuse from my step-dad started my mind goes blank except for a few quick memories. My mind over the past 5 years has given me snips and little pieces of these memories so i can put the puzzle together of what really happened with him and some days when these flash backs occur im left in a balled up mess for a while unable to function.
As a little girl I collected My Little Ponys, like i do now and there are other things from my childhood that i do now. Heres the thing. When a child is abused, be it physically, mentally or sexually, many times thats where they kind of stop growing in some areas of life. Its because they are forced into having to be something they are not at the wrong age and the fact that it shouldnt happen in the first place.
After the sexual abuse started i do remember the many, many times that mom and i had to go pick up my step dad from jail, always due to not paying child support for a boy who eventually he found out wasnt even his. I dont know if anyone understands how what happened to me as a child has shaped my life. It even made me scared to be a parent even though i had 2 kids. They live with my mother now and the reasoning for that is a whole different post but its how it had to be and still needs to be. Oh and just for your own curiosity i never abused my children in any way shape or form with the exception of when i left them to be cared for by my mother. I know thats not technically abuse, but it if was it would be considered mental abuse as it really upset them and changed so much for them and im not proud of it whatsoever. There were just too many things going on that i didnt know how to handle and i ran.
Some of the things in life that im afraid of is caused by people saying that you end up like your parents. Hence why i was afraid to have kids. And being that my mother has been married 5 times and my father 4 ive avoided marriage b ecause i figure it will just end in divorce and id rather be alone than go through that pain.
I never planned on having kids but things happen, both were unplanned. My son being born my Junior year of high school, my first love is his father. And my daughter i had when i was 21 and she is the result of date rape. I honestly was going to abort her as i feel that abortion is only right in cases of rape, incest, sexual abuse or if the mother has health issues that may endanger h er life and she has children already to tend to. I do not believe it should be used as aa means of birth control but hey, my opinion is just that, my opinion. The only reason i didnt go through with the abortion is that when i went to gegt it done they did an ultrasound first and i could seen the screen and i could see her little heartbeat. At that point i just couldnt follow through.
Hmm, i need to stop on this post...some of this i was planning to include in my book and i dont want to spoil any of it to those who buy it.
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