People started telling me who i should be???
I believe i was around the age of 5, maybe even 4 years old. Thats when my imagination was taken away...for the most part anyway. Before that i was the little girl who had to hook Santas reindeer up to the front of the car at X-mas before we left for the live nativity scene. I was a carefree little red headed girl who had a mother who spoiled me. Maybe being spoiled back then and even on into my teen years is why i am how i am sometimes even today.
Once the abuse from my step-dad started my mind goes blank except for a few quick memories. My mind over the past 5 years has given me snips and little pieces of these memories so i can put the puzzle together of what really happened with him and some days when these flash backs occur im left in a balled up mess for a while unable to function.
As a little girl I collected My Little Ponys, like i do now and there are other things from my childhood that i do now. Heres the thing. When a child is abused, be it physically, mentally or sexually, many times thats where they kind of stop growing in some areas of life. Its because they are forced into having to be something they are not at the wrong age and the fact that it shouldnt happen in the first place.
After the sexual abuse started i do remember the many, many times that mom and i had to go pick up my step dad from jail, always due to not paying child support for a boy who eventually he found out wasnt even his. I dont know if anyone understands how what happened to me as a child has shaped my life. It even made me scared to be a parent even though i had 2 kids. They live with my mother now and the reasoning for that is a whole different post but its how it had to be and still needs to be. Oh and just for your own curiosity i never abused my children in any way shape or form with the exception of when i left them to be cared for by my mother. I know thats not technically abuse, but it if was it would be considered mental abuse as it really upset them and changed so much for them and im not proud of it whatsoever. There were just too many things going on that i didnt know how to handle and i ran.
Some of the things in life that im afraid of is caused by people saying that you end up like your parents. Hence why i was afraid to have kids. And being that my mother has been married 5 times and my father 4 ive avoided marriage b ecause i figure it will just end in divorce and id rather be alone than go through that pain.
I never planned on having kids but things happen, both were unplanned. My son being born my Junior year of high school, my first love is his father. And my daughter i had when i was 21 and she is the result of date rape. I honestly was going to abort her as i feel that abortion is only right in cases of rape, incest, sexual abuse or if the mother has health issues that may endanger h er life and she has children already to tend to. I do not believe it should be used as aa means of birth control but hey, my opinion is just that, my opinion. The only reason i didnt go through with the abortion is that when i went to gegt it done they did an ultrasound first and i could seen the screen and i could see her little heartbeat. At that point i just couldnt follow through.
Hmm, i need to stop on this post...some of this i was planning to include in my book and i dont want to spoil any of it to those who buy it.
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