Sitting at a wooden laminate table trying to comprehend what was going on in the Pathfinder game she was playing, she found herself trying to calm her nerves of an impending Anxiety attack. She has her Service Dog at her feet, his head on top of one of her feet. She woke him because she needed some Deep Pressure Therapy, Giving him the cue "chest" He jumped up and put his front paws on her chest. The feeling of his nails digging in was what she needed but it wasnt enough to completely relieve her symptoms. She quickly got up and headed for the bathroom where she could sit on the cool tiles and do full on deep pressure therapy from Jasper. It took a little time but it worked and she just sat there for a few minutes and let herself completely relax. Then pulling herself back together headed back out to the table.
A while later, after recovering from her attack she notices the song playing in the restaurant is something about the California Sun, which made her want to do nothing else than go home, pack and move there. She already has a place there and friends that she is hoping in a pinch would help her if things went bad.
November is when she is thinking of going as she has a friend flying in to see her in October and they are going to New York on a 3 day trip then back to Ohio...It would be soo easy once back in Ohio to rent a trailer, shove her stuff in it and just go...
Putting that thought away for now she indulged in the game she was playing and ended up with quite a few hit points but didnt die. After a while longer she found herself being woke up...she had fallen asleep at the table and she then handed her character over to a friend and and headed for the car where she put in a new Only Flesh CD that she hadnt heard yet, put the seat back and just zoned out. Not sleeping because she wanted to hear the music but needed to rest at the same time. Eventually the game was over and her friend Matt came out and they started the drive home. Chatting about the game and their days as they had both done different things. She had a 3 hour SIN meeting and he and his girlfriend had went to the movies.
Not remembering clearly if she had told him she let him know that when going to the game and realizing where it was she took a detour to the pet store across the street to look around and get Jasper a few new toys for the car. Yes, hes that spoiled, she keeps toys in the car for him to play with. The problem with the restaurant was that it was the last place she had seen her brother, sister and nieces and nephews, and her ex was with her. God how she missed him. Even after all these years if he walked through the door right now she would take him back. Forgiving him for the lying and cheating if he could forgive her for her hiding her smoking and a few other things that happened. However, they had kind of grew in different directions at the time as she wanted a child and he couldnt have kids anymore, she needed rougher play and he just couldnt bring himself to do it. There were other issues but nothing that couldnt be talked out and she would give anything to have that talk now and have things go back to normal and go back home. She missed home, all that land, the simple house in the country and his love most of all.
Now she had a rented basement with 2 roommates in the other part of the house, matt and his girlfriend. Thats another relationship that she had messed up but they did all remain friends at least but she needed out of there like yesterday. Even a year since the break up she still missed them even though they were right there in the same house. She is one who needs physical contact, hugs mostly and now her live had turned into the only physical touch she got was her Service dog. At times that is all she needs but there is no replacement for human touch. Such as being held on a bad day, having a warm body to sleep next to. She had messed that relationship up so much. Now the relationship was just as friends, helping keep the house up, the back porch clean of the dog poop, doing dishes and laundry. Kind of like a purely domestic slave and she tried to for that to fulfill her but it doesnt work. She gets angry anymore at the house so she stays downstairs where she is out of the way and just concentrates on her college classes, writing and Service Dog.
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Yes if you hadnt guessed it this is all about me, my personal life but I wanted to do it in third person as I dont want this person to exist anymore with the exception of my Service Dog and college. She wants freedom, life, love and to just feel like i belong somewhere in this world. I miss my kids and mother, I understand that one doesnt want to see me but i do get to chat with my daughter sometimes and on the phone with my mother too which is always nice.
If it wasnt for Jasper my Service Dog I would not be alive today...he needs me and that gives me something to live for as he has a very good life for a dog and I dont know what kind of life he would have without me...i dont even want to imagine that, hes such a great creature and soo smart.
So heres the wrap up to the story, I know ive messed up a lot in my life and i live with that guilt everyday of my existence. I just want to find somewhere that I belong and can be happy.
