I ran out to the vape shop to get a few things and of course Jasper went with me. While in there we all got to talking about dog training, sharing dog stories and the like.
One guy asked me if Jasper could roll over? I explained that his training is more for my medical needs and explained how hes learning to turn off lights (very successfully I might add), we are working on him bringing me meds if i need them and i told them about the deep pressure therapy he does. The guy didnt quite seem to understand when the other one explained to him " hes doing what a MAN should be doing for her and taking care of her."
I busted out laughing at the thought as I would much prefer Jasper to any man at this point. Not that men are bad but Im just not in a place where I want one in my life right now. I have school starting up, a few other groups Im either in or run having things going on, Im still training Jasper and to be completely honest...Im enjoying not having the hassle of a relationship not to mention the drama. Im soo over drama in my life.
Also I dont have "normal" relationships, think 50 Shades of Grey but much much more intense and REAL...I dont want anyone having control over me right now. Sure my finances may be a mess right now but thats soon going to change once I dont have these constant car repairs and vet bills to pay. Once those are all taken care of in March I will have enough coming in each month to even set some back for emergencies and thats a spot I havent been in for YEARS!!!
Ill be paying off my new computer for school from my extra federal aid money, its something I needed for school and it made sense to go ahead and do it. Whats left from that if any Ill stash in the bank or maybe pay for a training class for Jasper, which in a few years when i decide to attend the actual classroom Ill need him with me so there again I can tie the money back to school related.
In other words, Im trying to make my life as uncomplicated as possible so I can be as successful as possible, work myself off Disability and maybe one day even buy my own house.
How did this go from the man story to buying a house??? Well, due to the confidence Im starting to gain by having a Service Dog I can see me doing anything I want to do in life, as long as my dog is beside me.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Exhausted
Im flat out exhausted and cant sleep. Im even starting to see double at this point. Life has been interesting to say the least lately and I think Ive reached the point of being afraid to sleep...
The nightmares are too much to take right now, but its not only the nightmares, its also the being afraid of my own brain and memory. Tonight, or last night, at dinner we were talking about a Pathfinder scenario and I asked when it was played and was told "at IHOP". The game I was at, I even had Jasper there with me to help with the anxiety and I still dont remember the damn game i played. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel stupid. Its like my brain plays tricks on me. The sad thing is that I like playing Pathfinder, i just cant seem to absorb enough of it to my memory to make it count to where im a decent enough player.
Right now im starting movie number 4 of the night...I have a list of movies I fall to sleep to at night and tonight its not working. Ive cuddled with Jasper, then we wrestled and played with stuffed animals. Hell, I even took a muscle relaxer and nothing...
So, back to the point. What the fuck is going on with my brain?? Maybe its all the recent changes, stress and goings on that are making it worse right now but nothing, and I mean nothing seems to be sticking when I read or watch videos...Logically I know this is part of Complex PTSD, but illogically it makes me feel stupid when I know Im not.
I just hope that when things slow down or at least settle down into a schedule that all of this will stop. Right now im very close to calling my doctor for that prozac he wanted to put me on but I declined.
The nightmares are too much to take right now, but its not only the nightmares, its also the being afraid of my own brain and memory. Tonight, or last night, at dinner we were talking about a Pathfinder scenario and I asked when it was played and was told "at IHOP". The game I was at, I even had Jasper there with me to help with the anxiety and I still dont remember the damn game i played. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel stupid. Its like my brain plays tricks on me. The sad thing is that I like playing Pathfinder, i just cant seem to absorb enough of it to my memory to make it count to where im a decent enough player.
Right now im starting movie number 4 of the night...I have a list of movies I fall to sleep to at night and tonight its not working. Ive cuddled with Jasper, then we wrestled and played with stuffed animals. Hell, I even took a muscle relaxer and nothing...
So, back to the point. What the fuck is going on with my brain?? Maybe its all the recent changes, stress and goings on that are making it worse right now but nothing, and I mean nothing seems to be sticking when I read or watch videos...Logically I know this is part of Complex PTSD, but illogically it makes me feel stupid when I know Im not.
I just hope that when things slow down or at least settle down into a schedule that all of this will stop. Right now im very close to calling my doctor for that prozac he wanted to put me on but I declined.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Fucking nightmares
Sometimes I wonder how I sleep like I do when I have such horrible night terrors. Of course, I used to have Bones here to wake me from them but now that hes retired and living elsewhere thats not the case. I need to figure out how to train Jasper to wake me from them.
The one last night, or the main one I should say, had my mother and son, along with some old neighbors in it. I believe my sister was in it too. This time no one was trying to kill me at least but the arguing and fighting was violent. My son was still really young, maybe 6 or 7 years old and my daughter wasnt there, not sure why. Mom was gone for the evening and we were living in my old apartment. Teresa was there and we were cleaning and rearranging things because her and her sons were going to move in with us. Her and i were getting along fine and i dont remember the details of what started the argument with my son but he started screaming at me and called me a "Bitch", then ran off to his room.
Mom got back a few hours later and I started explaining things and of course like always it was my fault. Then Dawn, my sister, started in on me and the 3 of us were throwing things, screaming and i was being accused of being the bad person in the situation.
Gee, this is sounding like my real life. And I wonder why I dont have them in my life right now.
I dont remember how the dream ended and that really sucks but I dont...
I do think this stems from the fact that ive been wanting to talk to my mother since before Thanksgiving and Ive tried to call many times but get no answer and she never calls. Theres no answering machine to leave a message on so Im just out...
Maybe someday things will change but I think for now Im just back to square one with her and that means she is out of my life yet again...
The one last night, or the main one I should say, had my mother and son, along with some old neighbors in it. I believe my sister was in it too. This time no one was trying to kill me at least but the arguing and fighting was violent. My son was still really young, maybe 6 or 7 years old and my daughter wasnt there, not sure why. Mom was gone for the evening and we were living in my old apartment. Teresa was there and we were cleaning and rearranging things because her and her sons were going to move in with us. Her and i were getting along fine and i dont remember the details of what started the argument with my son but he started screaming at me and called me a "Bitch", then ran off to his room.
Mom got back a few hours later and I started explaining things and of course like always it was my fault. Then Dawn, my sister, started in on me and the 3 of us were throwing things, screaming and i was being accused of being the bad person in the situation.
Gee, this is sounding like my real life. And I wonder why I dont have them in my life right now.
I dont remember how the dream ended and that really sucks but I dont...
I do think this stems from the fact that ive been wanting to talk to my mother since before Thanksgiving and Ive tried to call many times but get no answer and she never calls. Theres no answering machine to leave a message on so Im just out...
Maybe someday things will change but I think for now Im just back to square one with her and that means she is out of my life yet again...
Monday, February 1, 2016
A shock
While working on getting my steps in today, yes im one of those fit bit people who tries to always hit ten thousand steps, the dogs and I decided to take a walk down by the river. Now im not going to say exactly where i live but im in one of the better parts of Columbus and we dont have much trouble around here. I was letting the dogs explore when i noticed something, an old tattered crocheted blanket, some trash piled up that looks like had been a fire to keep warm by and a few articles of clothing. I have to say it shocked me. I know homelessness is an issue everywhere right now and this could have just been some teens partying it up or it could have been a homeless woman using the bridge to stay under for a night or two.
I know how it feels. Ive been down and out a few times. Had it not been for my brother my ex was going to take me to a homeless shelter. Then with all the trouble at my brothers house had it not been for Matt, who is a dear friend I love and respect very much I would have let myself go homeless rather than stay at my brothers any longer.
I just sit here and wonder was it a woman who has nowhere to go? Was she abused? Have a drug issue? Are there kids involved? Soo many unanswered questions. I just hope that whoever it was is safe now and finds their way.
I know how it feels. Ive been down and out a few times. Had it not been for my brother my ex was going to take me to a homeless shelter. Then with all the trouble at my brothers house had it not been for Matt, who is a dear friend I love and respect very much I would have let myself go homeless rather than stay at my brothers any longer.
I just sit here and wonder was it a woman who has nowhere to go? Was she abused? Have a drug issue? Are there kids involved? Soo many unanswered questions. I just hope that whoever it was is safe now and finds their way.
Life is beautiful
As I sit here this morning sipping my first cup of coffee I find myself reflecting on things. Im soo super excited about starting college in about a month. I know i can do this. I also know that i have to do other things to keep myself from burning out. So im kicking it into high gear with my running again, playing pathfinder and of course continuing on training my Service Dog.
Yes this means ill be constantly busy but being as ill be enjoying these things, especially since im majoring in journalism ill have a full happy life with people around me that i love. If anyone would have asked me a year ago what i would be doing I dont think any of these things would have been on my list. But today they are and im grateful. I do best when i have a structured life and of course the most important part will be college with Jaspers training being next in line but alone with all of that is my health. See, for me being on Social Security Disability is not a means to an end but just a way to survive until i can get my health manageable enough again to where i can rejoin the workforce.
Running a chapter of the Satanic International Network means a lot to me as well, as does the Sect of the Horned God. While I know that without 3 particular people in my life right now i wouldnt be doing any of this I have to also give much thanks and praise to The Sect, SIN and me being a Satanist. See, its not all about believing theres an actual Satan, i believe that we all have a Satan in us, its how we use that energy that makes us or breaks us and ive used it to my advantage to make myself the best i can be. I dont see road blocks, i see speed bumps that i simply have to slow down for for a second or two. I believe in myself and my own abilities now more than i ever have.
I grew up in a household where if i didnt like doing something i was told i could quit, and i always did, always!!! Now i dont do that. Take the biggest example as of late. Jasper, my Service Dog. I adopted him when he was 4 months old and the only command he knew was sit. 16 months later hes accomplished soo much with me training him that I took him to IHOP to play a game of Pathfinder which probably took 4 hours and had no issues out of him, he was an angel. And I did that, I taught him how to behave, what he can and cant do in public. And as we were leaving there were people commenting that they didnt even know there was a dog in there...Thats one of the best compliments you can get about your Service Dog. Hes my best friend, he blocks people from approaching me, has learned to turn off lights and even with all of this that he does his best friend is a 2 pound kitten.
Enough on this post for now, i have a topic in my head i cant get out that cant be worked into this one.
Yes this means ill be constantly busy but being as ill be enjoying these things, especially since im majoring in journalism ill have a full happy life with people around me that i love. If anyone would have asked me a year ago what i would be doing I dont think any of these things would have been on my list. But today they are and im grateful. I do best when i have a structured life and of course the most important part will be college with Jaspers training being next in line but alone with all of that is my health. See, for me being on Social Security Disability is not a means to an end but just a way to survive until i can get my health manageable enough again to where i can rejoin the workforce.
Running a chapter of the Satanic International Network means a lot to me as well, as does the Sect of the Horned God. While I know that without 3 particular people in my life right now i wouldnt be doing any of this I have to also give much thanks and praise to The Sect, SIN and me being a Satanist. See, its not all about believing theres an actual Satan, i believe that we all have a Satan in us, its how we use that energy that makes us or breaks us and ive used it to my advantage to make myself the best i can be. I dont see road blocks, i see speed bumps that i simply have to slow down for for a second or two. I believe in myself and my own abilities now more than i ever have.
I grew up in a household where if i didnt like doing something i was told i could quit, and i always did, always!!! Now i dont do that. Take the biggest example as of late. Jasper, my Service Dog. I adopted him when he was 4 months old and the only command he knew was sit. 16 months later hes accomplished soo much with me training him that I took him to IHOP to play a game of Pathfinder which probably took 4 hours and had no issues out of him, he was an angel. And I did that, I taught him how to behave, what he can and cant do in public. And as we were leaving there were people commenting that they didnt even know there was a dog in there...Thats one of the best compliments you can get about your Service Dog. Hes my best friend, he blocks people from approaching me, has learned to turn off lights and even with all of this that he does his best friend is a 2 pound kitten.
Enough on this post for now, i have a topic in my head i cant get out that cant be worked into this one.
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