Exhausted

Im flat out exhausted and cant sleep. Im even starting to see double at this point. Life has been interesting to say the least lately and I think Ive reached the point of being afraid to sleep...

The nightmares are too much to take right now, but its not only the nightmares, its also the being afraid of my own brain and memory. Tonight, or last night, at dinner we were talking about a Pathfinder scenario and I asked when it was played and was told "at IHOP". The game I was at, I even had Jasper there with me to help with the anxiety and I still dont remember the damn game i played. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel stupid. Its like my brain plays tricks on me. The sad thing is that I like playing Pathfinder, i just cant seem to absorb enough of it to my memory to make it count to where im a decent enough player.

Right now im starting movie number 4 of the night...I have a list of movies I fall to sleep to at night and tonight its not working. Ive cuddled with Jasper, then we wrestled and played with stuffed animals. Hell, I even took a muscle relaxer and nothing...

So, back to the point. What the fuck is going on with my brain?? Maybe its all the recent changes, stress and goings on that are making it worse right now but nothing, and I mean nothing seems to be sticking when I read or watch videos...Logically I know this is part of Complex PTSD, but illogically it makes me feel stupid when I know Im not.

I just hope that when things slow down or at least settle down into a schedule that all of this will stop. Right now im very close to calling my doctor for that prozac he wanted to put me on but I declined.