Glorious morning.

Im not a morning person, but since getting the puppy i have to be and i have to say im liking it.

This morning we got up and i took the boys out, brought in the paper to read while i drank my coffee. Once all the dogs were up i fed them breakfast and then put the black hair dye on my hair.  The dogs relaxed about an hour while i let my hair set then we went on a really long walk through our neighborhood, up the hill and back down, through the weeds, over and over, letting them get their exercise. I need the exercise as well so i really enjoyed it...i let them walk run and romp until i could walk no more. At the point of my back and hips hurting so bad that i could cry i brought them back in.

Yeah, i may be in a ton of pain right now but i also feel good. See, Jasper, the pibble puppy woke me up around 3 am to go outside, which means my training with him is working in that area as well. Then once back inside he HAD to cuddle with me, it was the first time that he initiated cuddling with me while he slept. It just shows we are creating a bond.  Hes only been here a week so its going well. In time i know he will make the perfect Service Dog for me.

Im sitting here with my hair still in a towel, sipping my protein shake as the boys all sleep. Its so quiet in here its insane.  My books on Pitt Bulls arrived today, im really glad. While im not treating him any different than i would any other breed i do know they tend to have different needs and i need to educate myself on those.

I also need to get to work on my books. I had put it off til i got the new laptop and now i have it and really like it. I also need to finish some crochet projects as well as make Jasper a blanket, he doesnt have one of his own yet and he needs one. I ordered more yarn for it than i normally would because hes bigger than any other dog ive had in years, and hes only going to get bigger.

Right now life is going pretty well, things are falling into place and Im still hoping that in maybe 6 months to a year i can take off and do some traveling in an RV. I just have to do my research now as with Jasper being a Pitt i dont know what states allow Pitts. I think BSL is a piece of shit honestly. I mean I mean my daughter was bitten my a Dalmatian, and ive been told that breed cant be trusted either. But if Jasper is going to be anything like he is now when he grows up he will be the biggest baby ever. Hes soo sweet, and he is strong and may grow protective of me but as long as i can focus that in a positive way, such as just standing against my legs between me and others without making a sound than i have no issue with that. And i know if i train him right thats how he will be.

Reading the paper was a real treat for me this morning. I used to read it everyday but havent done that in a few years and really missed it. I like the feeling of the actual paper in my hands, all the different things to read even if they dont interest me, and learning about whats going on. I really have lost touch with the outside world and i want to catch up on it. Others around me are always bring up issues, occurrences or names and I will have no clue what they are talking about.

Well thats it for now. I have a few things to get done. I may post more later today.

TTFN

random

Things are changing around here and i have a feeling its going to take time for me to adjust. Im trying to get the house in order but im finding out my body is not wanting to cooperate with me. So right now its an hour of cleaning and a break, then another hours and a break and so on. I guess it doesnt matter. My goal is to have the whole house dont by the end of the week and i think thats reasonable. So at this point i got the living room picked up vacuumed and stairs vacuumed as well. Oh, also the dishes put in hot water so i can wash them in a few minutes. After straightening up the kitchen and doing dishes and cleaning the small bathroom i plan on working on my room...my room may take the rest of the day as i plan on moving the bed to the other side of the room and bigger things like that.

Ive been letting everything, the lupus, PTSD, fibromyalgia, all of it keep me down to where i could barely function for way to long, its time i showed it whos boss. Of course some of this may be coming from an increase in energy from the happy news i recently got.

Tomorrows plan, finish the livingroom as i still need to dust it and do the walls, but starting out, once coffee is made everyone has had breakfast and headed to work, im starting Zumba, or at least giving it one hell of a good try at it, also yoga...i just need to try and get my body moving any way i can right now.

Im in very positive spirits right now and i hope it stays this way.

Kind of a life update

The sun is up, im awake, dog fed and im working on drinking my 2nd cup of coffee. im somewhat awake at this point, at least enough to do a bit of writing on here. ive came up with the memory of when i used to write all the time i was journaling or blogging everyday so here goes, from here on out ill blog each day and see if my writing improves as im still struggling with my book.

Not a whole lot going on around here. I did get my SSI approved, now its just a waiting game for the call from them to set it all up. So my feelings of complete dread and being forever broke are mostly gone and im starting to get excited as im finally at the beginning of a new and hopefully happy chapter in life.

Im also doing an online course in poetry and soon my philosophy will be starting as well. Its all good things. Ive chosen my next service dog and hes a very handsome 14 week only Standard Poodle. I cant wait to get him home, as well i cant wait to get a car and some new clothes...yes it is the start to a new life for me and a better one where i can contribute to things again.

My goal in life at this point...becoming a successful writer and i have the means to do it and soon ill even have a new computer to write on as this one is on its last leg, its 5 years old so its no surprise that it needs replaced. Its been a good computer for me though and ill miss it as ive gotten so used to it. Ill probably hang onto it as a back up just in case but i wont be using it as much as the new one. Im hoping to spend a day or two a week in a coffee shop or at a park writing and of course having my dogs with me...i guess it will have to be a park as i cant take both dogs to a coffee shop but i can give Bones individual time with me by doing that. We will see what i figure out, all i know is this next dog has some HUGE shoes to fill. Bones may be a small dog but hes been the best ever for me and i have no idea how im going to get another dog to be just as good with me as far as a service dog goes...good thing he comes from good lines...maybe that will help.

I actually have a lot i want to get done today but i wanted to take some time to write as since thats kind of my goal in life right now i want to work on it as much as possible right now. I mean its the most important thing to me. I really think i have potential with my writing as i used to be told that i had people who followed everything i wrote because i can be so honest and say things most others wouldnt dare post publicly...well thats just me, i post things as they are and those who dont like it dont have to read it. I know not everyone can handle some of what i write but for me writing is my outlet and many times my opinion on things...i cant help it, i am who i am, its not going to change.

Beaten and bruised brain

I woke up to a train wreck in my head, metaphorically of course, More vivid flashbacks than ive ever had, giving me a few more pictures and touches in my head of what  happened to me.  Its heart wrenching and extremely frightening. Im holding it together as i have Bones sitting here with me ( those who dont know him, hes my Service Dog for my PTSD). Im panicky, shaking, barely able to type but feel i must to try and get this put of my head. I know it wont work as it is more pieces to the puzzle i have to finish putting together but i just dont know what brought it on...was it my brothers texts even though the flash backs were not about him??? Did something else trigger it??? I have no clue this time but it felt so real, i was asleep but awake, watching what was going on in my mind...what my brain was releasing to me. Ive never had any feeling, dream or flashback like this. I was frightened and tried to scream out but couldnt, i couldnt even alert Bones that i needed him to wake me up from the odd state i was in.  I really really need a shower, i feel so dirty after all of that, but im going to wait til the others in the house have had their showers this morning as i know ill take a while. Its taking everything i have not to wake up Matt just because i need to be held and feel safe, he in one of the few in this world i truly trust and know im safe with.

Maybe i let my stress build up too much, maybe it was just time for another piece to my puzzled life...i have no idea and dont really care i just know i feel like hell right now. My head is pounding, my heart is skipping beats, im nauseous and while id love to get some more sleep im afraid to sleep at the same time.

 This may all sound terrible and it is but im going to use the energy of the hate and hurt and use it to work on my book today. Who knows what things ill end up writing or how much ill get done. All i know is i remember the last time i was having flashbacks i did the best writing i had ever done in my life...See, it may be a bad thing but i do know how to turn it around and make it productive and thats the key.

Who was i before...

People started telling me who i should be???

I believe i was around the age of 5, maybe even 4 years old. Thats when my imagination was taken away...for the most part anyway.   Before that i was the little girl who had to hook Santas reindeer up to the front of the car at X-mas before we left for the live nativity scene. I was a carefree little red headed girl who had a mother who spoiled me. Maybe being spoiled back then and even on into my teen years is why i am how i am sometimes even today.

Once the abuse from my step-dad started my mind goes blank except for a few quick memories. My mind over the past 5 years has given me snips and little pieces of these memories so i can put the puzzle together of what really happened with him and some days when these flash backs occur im left in a balled up mess for a while unable to function.

As a little girl I collected My Little Ponys, like i do now and there are other things from my childhood that i do now. Heres the thing. When a child is abused, be it physically, mentally or sexually, many times thats where they kind of stop growing in some areas of life. Its because they are forced into having to be something they are not at the wrong age and the fact that it shouldnt happen in the first place.

After the sexual abuse started i do remember the many, many times that mom and i had to go pick up my step dad from jail, always due to not paying child support for a boy who eventually he found out wasnt even his. I dont know if anyone understands how what happened to me as a child has shaped my life. It even made me scared to be a parent even though i had 2 kids. They live with my mother now and the reasoning for that is a whole different post but its how it had to be and still needs to be. Oh and just for your own curiosity i never abused my children in any way shape or form with the exception of when i left them to be cared for by my mother.  I know thats not technically abuse, but it if was it would be considered mental abuse as it really upset them and changed so much for them and im not proud of it whatsoever.  There were just too many things going on that i didnt know how to handle and i ran.

Some of the things in life that im afraid of is caused by people saying that you end up like your parents. Hence why i was afraid to have kids. And being that my mother has been married 5 times and my father 4 ive avoided marriage b ecause i figure it will just end in divorce and id rather be alone than go through that pain.

I never planned on having kids but things happen, both were unplanned. My son being born my Junior year of high school, my first love is his father. And my daughter i had when i was 21 and she is the result of date rape. I honestly was going to abort her as i feel that abortion is only right in cases of rape, incest, sexual abuse or if the mother has health issues that may endanger h er life and she has children already to tend to. I do not believe it should be used as aa means of birth control but hey, my opinion is just that, my opinion. The only reason i didnt go through with the abortion is that when i went to gegt it done they did an ultrasound first and i could seen the screen and i could see her little heartbeat. At that point i just couldnt follow through.

Hmm, i need to stop on this post...some of this i was planning to include in my book and i dont want to spoil any of it to those who buy it.

Why??

Im going to try and write this in the best way I know how...with complete honesty and not holding back my thoughts on this even if it may seem hurtful to some.

I have an issue with following through on things...I know Im the only one in control of my actions and feelings but heres my issue. growing up my parents always allowed me to quit anything I wanted to no matter what it was. I ended up quitting 4-H after 2 years, They let me quit band in school because we moved and I didnt know anyone so i was too scared to do it, the list could go on and on. I wish they had pushed me harder, as I ended up with this pattern and Ive been working hard lately to break this pattern but damn it, its not easy.

Just examples, I have 3 half written blog entries for here, i have 3 crochet projects not done in various stages, thats not to mention the cleaning Im behind on or the loads of clothes in the laundry room that I need to go through and fold.

I did manage to get done everything I planned to today which was bathing my dog Bones, getting some laundry done and other things around the house. now Im sitting here trying to decide if I should finish those blogs, work on crochet or my book, or clean my room. Part of me cleaning my room also involves me throwing stuff away as when I move, hopefully into a RV I wont have room for everything I have, especially the clothes.

Throwing things away does not bother me as Im not a material type of person. As long as I have my actual needs met I could care less what other things I have.

Also while I understand I control how things affect me I do blame my PTSD on a few select people who abused me, especially as a child.  I didnt ask for those things to happen and it WAS out of my control. Sure, how i handle it is all on me but when your mind is slowly providing you with flash backs that you have to try and piece together of things that happened that I had forgotten its hard to deal with life. Especially if im dealing with something that has triggered me. And, for me triggers can be someone screaming, the sound of a childs voice if Im in a store or in public, hence why i rarely go outside the house due to these. Not to mention my fear of crowds.

You may ask "Why get and live in a RV if youre dealing with this kind of thing?" , well for me getting an RV and living in it for a while will give me the freedom to travel, write while sitting with nature all around me, work on things I need to improve on and also hopefully find more inspirations for my writing. Eventually Id like to be financially independent from my writing, maybe upgrade to a bigger RV than what i plan on starting out with and never settle down in one spot and just travel, do book tours and just live life. And as silly as it may sound it means i would own my own home, something no one can take away from me or kick me out of


Theres a lot in this country and world that I havent seen or done and unfortunately Ive been told i will have a shorter lifespan due to my health issues so I want to seize the moment and do everything i can before that happens.

what is it about death that we fear

There are many who fear death, but what is the real fear behind it?  Is it rational to have this fear? I mean once we take our last breath thats it, nothing more. Our spirit that our body encased just dissipates, we are done.  There are those that believe in the afterlife in some form be it heaven and hell, reincarnation or any other type.

i feel that the real fear is if anyone will care enough to be around at that time. We question did we make enough good friends, does our family care enough to be there. Will these people remember me in 3 days from now, in a week, a month even a year. The thing is we never get that answer. We can feel that we know the answer and there are those in our lives that say they will be there and remember us but there is no proof.

There is also the wonderment of leaving a legacy behind.  I know personally with me i know my impact on the world has been small, with my biggest achievements being rescuing animals and having 2 children. What do i want remembered about me...i want it to be the animal rescuing, and my writing. i want to be an accomplished writer.

What do you want to be remembered for???

Just a wake up writing thing.

i woke up really early this morning, its 6:30 am and im already starting my writing for the day. this post probably wont be anything special, just a way to wake my brain up and make it start thinking so i can work on my book. Ive really been struggling with it lately and i dont know why...unless its the stress from the idea of the deadline...However in the midst of things ive possibly came up with another idea for an adult series of books...we will see what pans out after i get this first book done.

Heres something that scares me...all my life ive been pushed down..ive never really accomplished anything big unless it was at work. When i was in school if i wanted to quit something my mom always let me so i didnt have that push through things discipline and im trying to create that now with my writing. Hell, its easy to sit down and type out a blog entry but to dedicate myself to 200 plus pages that will e on the bookshelves...its kind of intimidating but i think in the end ill be proud of myself for actually getting it done and seeing if i can make it out there in the big word of writing. Not many authors stand out when you compare it to how many have written and id love to find a way to make a career of this.

One of the reasons i havent been blogging as much lately is that im trying to restrain myself from being so negative. i tend to write best, especially in my blog here, when im upset or something offends me and i have a strong point of view. Maybe i should use this as my ranting place but i also dont want to be seen as someone who only has issues with things.

im an enigma there are so many parts to me, the romantic side that loves nature, animals and quiet times. The hard core side that wants to feel pain, yes, physical pain, it drives me...wakes me up and lets me get all my emotions out. Hmm thats a thought to ponder on...all the different sides to me...i may have to make time to do up a list...

Im glad i decided not to put Bones page on hold. Honestly i only did it because i was being preached at, or at least it felt that way...i can handle it if someone says "ill pray for you" or something simple like that. And since its Bones page i simply say thank you and go to the next comment...but a whole comment of preaching was too much for me the other night. i dont know why i let it get to me but i did.

im glad my headache is finally gone...i was starting to worry since i had had it two days and it showed up the day after i hit my head in that damn fall.

Okay, time for me to get to work on my book again. This post was more about waking my brain up than anything.

** Possible Trigger**

A few days ago i said i  was going to bare my soul on here...im going to show what has kept me strong, reminds me of my past, but at times can shake me to the core.

For some this may need a trigger warning on for. Especially those who are cutters, have PTSD or have ever dont any type of self harm. 

Yes For years i have been a cutter. Now please keep in mind i do not do it anymore however because ive done it it makes me more prone to doing it again. Its a daily battle i deal with every day. Making myself be stronger that i was back then. i do have days where i dont feel as strong. But ive learned that its also part of being human and i just didnt know how to accept it...

Never living up to my parents standards, abuse both sexual and verbal, and always feeling that no matter who i was around i was not good enough for them. 

I am stronger than that now. 

These scars may look bad and yes i get embarrassed by them but im posting these for a reason.  And that reason is that i never want to go back to feeling that way again.  im ready, ready to leave the past in the past and only look forward.  The sad thing is that ive seen much much worse on others than what i have and i feel their pain, when you reach this point you only thing about one thing, or at least i did, the rush of the pain. Yes im also a masochist but there is a big difference between cutting or burning like i did to myself versus controlled pain in which someone else is there and you cant go too far.

Will i still partake in  my masochistic? Youre damn right i will!!! I can feed that monster and be safe at the same time.

there are many facets to me...and all intersect somewhere along their paths But today, its about healing. Not letting anyone control me ever again to a point where i lose control.  i used to blame others on what ive done to myself but i do realize that while others may have contributed to those feelings making me feel that way...i was ultimately the one at fault...not for the abuse as i know i was not at fault for that but i was in charge of its affects on me and i should have controlled it better.

lifes conflicts

 Life has its twists and turns and for me lately there have been quite a few. Today im sitting here in a dress with make up on hair done, playing WoW, crocheting and writing. it seems as if i cant slow down lately.

Doors i thought had closed havent opened but have started to crack to where i can now see light where darkness was before. i think the hardest thing ive done in the past few months was a self tattoo removal. Its not even about removing it its about giving up and realizing that the one i wanted to share the rest of my life with is no longer in the picture. This saddens me greatly and im hoping to just once see him again.

im working on moving on lately and im doing a fairly good job at it but it still leaves me wanting more in areas. If only i could combine 3 people id have the perfect Master, mate and friend for life.

im facing something really tough in a day or so...im about to run out of smokes.,, i could buy more but instead im going to quit...they recently found fluid around my heart and i kind of want to live so im trying to do what i can to stay alive.

Thats just a quick update and i plan on writing more later today. i think im in the first true manic phase and i cant sit still long so im off to do something else for a while.

my point of view on casual sex.

I was given an interesting topic today by a friend...casual sex. Something i dont do and have a good opinion of.

ive never met someone and just had casual sex. i find it meaningless and degrading. Now im not saying ive never stepped backwards and slept with an ex after a break up but i also thought it would end in us getting back together not like it usually does in me still being alone.

i think if i had to chose between casual sex or going without i will go without hands down each time.

i hear of people going to clubs, bars and parties just to hook up for sex and so many times it ends in STDs pregnancy or broken hearts. i just cant do that. i was raped when i was 20 and thats why i have a daughter and i cant imagine with how guilty i already feel if i had met him at a bar or something, instead he was supposedly a friend of a friends cousin who was too drunk to drive and i was helping the fucker get home safely. i should have let him walk, and if ever faced with that decision again the man will walk.

As for the whole man vs. woman thing on casual sex i really think its equal and that both sexes do the same things looking for the same results except maybe the girls are looking for a relationship a bit more.  That is those who arent already married and having affairs.

i will continue to stick it out and wait around for the right one and enjoy life on my own until what i want is found. No casual sex for this chic.

To listen or not to listen, that’s the question.

To listen or not to listen, that’s the question.

My doctor “suggests” that I not have any more children but everything in my heart tells me to. I know I have lupus and that may affect everything and I had a hard pregnancy last time but I don’t care. Im on the verge of being the parent of an 18 year old and maybe that’s why im feeling how I am but I also hear my clock ticking away and its killing me. I want another child. I want to know what its like to have a child and have the daddy with me.

Whats conflicting is that im a little, and just tonight I was called “Daddys little slut princess” those words are powerful for me and really make me want to give him everything I can, including another child.

I plan on researching everything I can on Lupus and pregnancies. Who knows maybe my body wont even let it happen but if it does then im ready for it, or maybe im in a midlife crisis at this point.

I see my doctor next week and a specialist in a few weeks and hopefully I can get more answers. 

i am how i am, take me or leave me

  ive had a rough week and a half. ive went through thinking that maybe i could have a new start in life to watching it blow up in my face, even leaving a mark of the man who put it there.

Sometimes i wonder if im crazy, goddess knows ive been losing my mind for a while and theres no telling when that will return...

A few things keep me going, close friends who understand me, my family and Bones, my little dog who has the heart of a warrior.

Everyone and even i agree i deserve better than what i give myself credit for, i just dont know why i dont make it happen. Is it fear of being alone? Quite possibly, but with my army behind me i know deep inside ill never be alone, everyone is just a call, text or IM away from me.

i feel at times, like maybe i dont deserve better simply because of all of my health issues. Why get involved with someone who may end up having to take care of me...but my mind tells me that in every good and lasting relationship that as that partnership grows one always ends up taking care of the other is its going to last as long as a life can.

Do we ever escape caring for others??? i hope not, thats what i want. Someone i can take care of and love, and someone who wants to do the same in return. Not out of obligation but out of love, true love, caring and knowing what it is to be in a healthy relationship.

i had that at one time, it slipped through my fingers and its now gone. What got left behind is Bones, that little dog loves me in a way that only a dog can. There is no judging, no cheating, just unconditional love from a little fur ball my nephew likes to call fabio.

Maybe my priorities are messed up, afterall if you cant at least like my dog than im not going to like you. If a human cant respect that that little dog is the reason im alive and that i cant live without him at this point than those people can go to hell. Very few understand the pet/human(owner) connection. Those who do understand me and i cherish that part of them, how could i not.

i used to have 3 physical standards in partners, they had to have their own teeth, own hair and be taller than me, pretty superficial isnt it??

Well i learned that these things are nice and still preferred but if you dont like the dog who is like my child than it just will not ever work out. Maybe hes a bit spoiled, i dote on him all the time, he gets fast food burgers, and always shares my meals with me but its not all me giving. He rescues me everyday, the doggie kisses i get, the smacks he gives me to get my attention...all let me know that in this cold cold world that i am needed for something, even if its just his cuddle buddy at bedtime.

Sure i fear spending the rest of my life single, but even worse would be being single without the dog. At times hes all the company i need. If i get to live out my dream and travel some it will be with him as my protection, companion and friend. He may not be able to share in the driving but he also doesnt care on the destination as long as hes with me and thats all i ask.

Hmm

im not always proud of who i am or of who ive become in this past year but its me simply trying to find me and one day at a time im finding that person. ive found crafts i enjoy doing and i find solace in my writing, it grounds me and lets me look back and see if ive moved from my depression in which i havent yet.

i dream of taking off and traveling, just me alone, no one with me and taking that time to work on my book and projects and most importantly trying to find me again. im a lost soul struggling everyday to even wake up and stay alive. Each day i wake up im like "oh Shit not another day of this" another day of trying to find my footing when i feel like im walking on ice. i want to make it clear that no one that im living with is making me feel this way, its just me inside, a scared little girl who feels as if she was put out to pasture by a stable Master who just couldnt handle the truth, her truths. As i look at it i dont think i blame me anymore. i will always carry the good memories of him with me, there were some great times, things i dont want to forget but there are just as many bad times that ill carry also. But i learned something with all of this, i learned more of what i need to function, not only as a human being but also as a slave. i need structure, guidance and a strong hand to enforce those things. i need someone who will lift me up, not put me down all the time and more importantly someone who wont give up on me even when i give up on myself.

Many dont know this but i tried to take my own life in october of 2011, it was because of a fight we were in where he discovered i was smoking again. Instead of working with me on it he was going to give up on me and he did, that was the start to the end. All my life everyone has always given up on me for one reason or another, and i dont know why. i dont see myself as a bad person, i do have my flaws but that just makes me human. Even my own mother tried to kill me 6 years ago, so when i say everyone has always given up on me i do mean everyone. i dont know whats wrong with me that caused people to do this with me. i like to think im a good person, ive never cheated in any of my relationships, ive always tried to help out others and im not a liar. Sure ive lied but who hasnt, the main one ive done was telling the ex that i has stopped smoking when i was still struggling with it and doing it behind his back. i know it was wrong of me but it really is the only wrong i did and he couldnt handle it.

i know me well enough that when im not getting what i need i tend to buck the system til i get it, and im not talking  wants here im talking actual needs, guidance  love, assurance that im cared for and wont be given up on. Those are needs to me, things ive never had and need in my life.

im a good girl, i really am, especially in the right environment, i just need to find that again. Nothing against where im at but its hard being who i am and living in a vanilla household, its like ive had to put who i am aside to try and fit in and thats not easy for me to do, thats been one of my biggest struggles in the past year. i live to serve, and when i dont have One to serve i kind of fall apart and thats not a good thing. i went for months without taking my meds this year and my eating habits are deplorable to say the least. im not one for new years resolutions but i think this year i ned to make some, starting with eating right again, which in turn should help me lose weight and get myself healthier. it would be nive to finish my book and get it published as well and i know i can do it if i give myself a schedule and make myself stick to it but heres the problem. i can be given a schedule i stick to it perfectly if i know its being enforced but when im doing it on my own i can never seem to do it, i just dont do well on my own and thats hard for me but its true.

So, im going to end this now since im not feeling well today and end on this note, someday soon i know i will find my motivation again, i have a feeling that i have found it i just have to stick to it and see what unfolds, if things go well this next year may be a good one for a change.

Why i will never get married

 One thing i will never do in my life is get married. ive had a few chances to do so and im glad it never happened. For those who are happily married, im happy for you, i truly am, its just not for me.

 i have many reasons behind never getting married. The biggest one is that i really dont want hate letters from my mother...yes, she does this and maybe its not my place to protect the one i would be marrying but its not fair to either me or them that she does this, its happened to every sibling of mine and its not going to happen to me. 

 Another is the fact and yes it is fact that we tend to follow in our parents footsteps... Well, my mother is on her 5th marriage and my father on his 4th, so what does that mean for me??? i simply wont go through the inevitable,  or take a chance of it. 

And last but not least has to be how marriages just dont last anymore, everyone has the "everything is disposable" mentality.  

i have no issue accepting a collar for life as to me thats more realistic and holds more meaning than marriage...i guess its just me and how i see things. This world is scary enough...why take the chance of being hurt anymore.

changes i need to make to survive

 ive been putting a lot of thought into things i need to do to try and get back on track, not only physical health wise but also mental health wise. ive came up with a list and i thought i would put it here and see what happens.

i know many people set new years resolutions but ive never been much into that so these are just general everyday goals.

i need to get back on track with my eating again which means no gluten, tomatoes or potatoes. im going to go on a protein shake and juice diet for a little while. With how my nerves have been ive been eating everything in sight and it has to stop.

Yoga, i really need to start doing it again, at least 3 days a week. Of course at this point i have no idea where my yoga DVDs are but im going to see what i can find online and i do remember a lot of what i learned when i was taking yoga a few years ago.

Meds, i need to set a schedule with when to take them so that im not sleeping all day. i figure if i take my night time meds around 8 i should be good so im going to give that a try. This way i can try and get back on track and be getting up no later than 9 am everyday.

i feel bad, my sleeping has been so wonky that ive just been giving him dry food, so im putting him back on his canned food, which i already did today.

Other goals i have are my book and of course working to get my crocheting business of the ground so i can have some extra cash.

idealy my day will look like this

up at 9 am, feed Bones, get my coffee, take meds and take a little bit to wake up, im not a morning person.Yoga 3 days a week, after coffee

between coffee and noon work on the house, cleaning, laundry, anything like that.if i get things done early spend the extra time working on my book or crocheting

From noon til 4 working on book, crocheting or any other things that need done.

In the evening fix dinner, relax, if theres time work on projects feed Bones his dinner around 6 and after take him on a walk.

Bed time needs to be no later than 11, i dont do well on less than 8 hours of sleep so thats what ive came up with so far.

i know i can do these things, and i know there are probably things ive forgotten to add but i can always do that at a later time. its just very important that i get on track, ill feel better and ill be of more of a use to those around me.

just thinking of poodles

 My mind is overworking itself this morning since i havent slept yet but during the night i ran into something online that made sense and i think Bones would agree.

Not a day goes by that i dont worry about something happening to him and me losing him, its a thought i can hardly bear. Hes been a pretty special part of my life and ive relied on him as much as he has relied on me at times, if not more on my end.

Sure, hes spoiled, and lately has been having to be constantly touching me or laying on the desk in front of my laptop which makes it hard to write but i wouldnt give up his quirks for anything.

When i think of having to face losing him especially since hes 9 its not uncommon for me to get teary eyed over it. i know, i sound silly.

I read something about a rescue dying and wanting his owner to move on and get another dog, not seeing it as a replacement but as the owner doing for another dog as they had done for him.  Anyone who knows Bones can tell you he has a huge heart and i know that as bad of shape he was in when i got him  and how well hes taken care of now that he would want me to do the same. Its not an easy thing for me to think about but with that line of thinking when the time comes it will make it easier on me to think that way.

Soo..this is it.

Originally written on 12/27/12


Its been a year today since i moved out of the exs house and its been a very up and down year. Mostly downs but those happen when you get as devastated as i did over it all.  Will i ever get over him??? i think so, but part of me will always cherish some fond memories that we had together. Now i guess i need to focus on the here and now and start looking towards the future. Thats now always easy for me to do but i have no other choice. What makes it so hard is my lifestyle, it makes things complex im many ways. i dont function like most do, im not hardwired to be that strong female that stands up for herself. im that subservient girl who has to have structure, guidance and rules to survive in this cold world.

So, day by day i will move through this and i was chatting with someone tonight that made me want to give myself a daily plan and i really think im going to do it. So everyday now i want to work on my book for so long and same with my crocheting. i have to start setting goals for myself, ones that i can obtain like i used to be able to. Set the bar high enough to make it challenging but not so high that i can accomplish it in a set time frame.

i need to start pulling my ass out of bed at a decent hour and going to bed at a decent hour and actually being productive again...im doing no one any good by sleeping all day, of course the nightmares make it to where i dont sleep well so im always tired but even still i have to find a way to manage it.

im going to get off of here now and i think im going to jump into the shower then sit down and make a daily schedule for myself and see if i can stick to it.

current life ramblings

Life is a roller coaster  we take the good with the bad and hope for the best results possible. But what if youre stuck in a whirlwind not knowing how to stop it.

Currently im dealing with angels and demons, the demons i dont want to discuss but if i dont they will rip me to shreds. The angels on the other hand wil know who they are when they read this. They are my support system and chosen family. If it wasnt for their love, caring and strength to stand behind me i would surly fall to the darkest of depths.

i am me, love me or hate me, there really is no in between.

ive been through a ton of shit over the past year and at times its taken me to the darkest of places, im ways im rebounding from it but in other ways i must admit i like the dark. ive always been some what of a risk taker and for me the more extreme the more i like it. When i talk of dark im talking of blood, vampirism, pain  , cutting and of course anything that stings. i thrive off of that kind of thing. i never thought i would get this way but life has taken me there and its there that i thrive at my best.

ive been through a lot of hell in my life, i dont want to go into deatils as all of that will be in my upcoming book and i dont want to ruin it but lest just suffice to say that many who have been through what i have may not have made it this far. Have i ever tried to take my life because i was pushed too close to the edge?? Yes, a few times in fact and honestly i fight that thought almost everyday. The open wounds that i carry make it hard not to think that way. Some day i hope my wounds heal but in order for that to happen i need to make many changes, changes that in fact ive already started. This is the new beginning of my life and im trying to make the most of it but the adjustment has been tough so far but i think that once i make a few more adjustments ill get where i need to be.

People dont understand me and i dont ask to be understood, just accepted for who i am. The angels in my life are both in human form and a little canine who is always at my side. i couldnt ask for a better more level headed support system. They all try and keep me safe, being who i am sometimes i dont know how to do that myself so the help is not only needed but also dearly appreciated.

So, to sum it all up im fighting many things but i think if i can just hang in there all of it can be combines, the demons and angels, leaving the negative demons out and i can learn to thrive once again.

just thinking of my baby brother

 As i was watching one of my favorite shows today they mentioned that one of the patients was a baby who was born with its organs on the outside and was 2 days post op from having it fixed.  It got me thinking, if only they had had that kind of medicine back in 1976.  i had a brother that was born a year before me, or well they actually couldnt tell the sex but i always felt it was a brother. He was born 3 months early and with all of his organs on the outside of his body.  He is the only full blooded sibling that i have, all the others are halves, step or adopted, not to play down their roles by any means but it would be nice to have a brother or sister with the exact same parents as myself.

Thinking about this also brings out anger in me, anger at my dad. About 8 years ago my mother had me call him to see if he still had the death certificate from the baby and he didnt even remember it being born, claimed that the baby, my brother didnt exist when i know better, i have been to his grave, i have seen the tears in my mothers eyes on his birthday every year, i know he was real but my fathers memory is so messed up by the anurism and Alzheimers that he has no memory of it. When i told my mother what he said she was truly saddened , she felt betraid by him, that such a tragic memory he couldnt remember.

Then i wonder if he had been born okay, or if they could have corrected what was wrong, would i have been born? Mom had her tubes tied when i was born, which came undone at one point but thats a whole different story of its own and a painful one for me.

What makes you happy

 Originally written on 3/11/13

i debated for over 24 hours on if i wanted to post this..and i decided to post it, after all, once my book is out everyone will know everything, good and bad

 Such a simple little question and so few answers for me. Sure in the short term many things make me happy, a cup of coffee, a walk with the dog, joking around with friends...But its not what makes you happy that should be the question, it should be what keeps you happy.

Heres my answer to that, nothing, not one god damned thing in world keeps me happy, what i thought did ive lost and now im just waiting out my remaining days.  Yes, before you go running to a shrink or giving me numbers to call its a largly known fact that i plan on only living about 5 more years. My lifespan now revolves around the life of my dog. When he goes ill go, thats how i want it. he is the one thing that i am completely responsible to and for and i wont let him have another owner if i can help it.

This may sound sad, suicidal or really really stupid to some who read this but for the past year all of my doctors have known this is my plan...and nothing will stop me.

This is why i want a camper, so that i can spend time traveling with Bones til the end, his natural end, as if youre a asshat and read too much into this you may be thinking that i would hurt this creature when that is the last thing i would ever do, he is why im still alive.

i cant wait for the sweet day when it can finally all be over. Until then im just stuck in a world where i dont belong. There is no person who needs me anymore and i have no will left to keep pushing on. i just really hope the ssdi comes thru this time and i can take off as planned..

i hate being a worrier and now a warrior

This has been a life long struggle for me. ive always worried about everything, am i good enough, do i deserve that in my life, am i going to mess up or what am i going to mess up next?

i always mess something up, whether it be relationships with friends, family or a significant other.  i dont count on anything in life i never have. My strongest place to be has always been work, i could ignore the outside world and just work my ass off, i always put work first up until i was injured and cant work now. The saddest part is that i want to work but with everything ive been through i cant, either the physical issues i struggle with everyday will hold me back from being my best or the mental issues and the PTSD would keep me from being able to concentrate.

im trying to start my own little crochet business but even that is becoming too much. i love to crochet but its the pressure of it that i cant handle. i did fine for a few months but ive really slid backwards and now cant even make it through making a simple fucking hat. Yes im frustrated.

im having a day where i cant concentrate, im having back to back anxiety attacks and all i can think of is running away. i do like where im living, i know im safe here. i just want to get away from everything, the doctors, the people, the chaos. i cant even go out in public at this point and when i do all i hear is voices that i know are not there. Bones is a help with that and him consoling me and helping me keep my mind focused does help but this is like the 6 months where i refused to leave the house. Again, im afraid of people, noises, even objects.  If i hear a raised voice i panic and if i see a child i want to run.

IF my ssdi comes through im leaving everything behind except for a few friends that ill stay in contact with, getting a camper and just going...where i dont exactly know but ill figure it out. In a perfect world it would be a campsite with few people around where i could just write and try and find myself again. Its hard to believe that at one point i was a strong confident person/slave that didnt let anything stop her, now everything stops her. Even the thought of going outside scares me. i love walking Bones but there are too many days lately where i just dont want to see anyone if i go outside and i know thats unrealistic.

ive been called anti social quite a few times in my life and i always denied it but i guess its true. i cant believe that at one point i would do out to functions, i did a lot of writing and have been told that some people would follow my writing and wish that they had the nerve to say some of the things i do, now im afraid to talk of such things as i know the community sees me as weak and useless.

dogs are not property

 As ive been working on the many things i have going on lately i ran across something interesting that makes complete sense. When it comes to pets we are their guardian not their owner. Owner makes them property much like a computer, car or phone, these are inanimate objects. Our kids, pets and even significant other are living breathing beings, we love and protect them, or at least we should and many do, this makes us their guardian.

 When Bones came into my life as a rescue we became a team. We work together, whether it be on learning something new, getting him over a fear or him protecting me by keeping a stranger at a distance.  He breathes, he has emotions and has a very good sense of humor. There are many times i wish he could actually laugh, i know he would be doing it all the time but the most he can do is smile and do his happy dance to show when he thinks something is funny or when hes just happy.

We spend pretty much every moment of every day together, hes a companion, and a service dog for me, and he enjoys it. There are still things im training him on but he always enjoys the training. Pretty much if im happy and enjoying something he does as well and he loves to join in on the fun and since i can be pretty silly at times i can understand.

one hell of a day

i just want to crawl under a rock and die. Today is my daughters birthday and i miss her so much, i wish i could call her but i wont. The only reason i wont is because she is with my mother, a woman in which i despise. Once my kids are older i hope to have them back in my life but i know i have a while to wait. Next year on this date i hope to be camping somewhere, or at least traveling.

i deal with these emotions all too often and its getting to where i cant handle the hurt and pain anymore, but i dont know what to do about it. Theres only one thing i can do to stop the pain and i cant do that as i still have Bones to care for. If he wasnt in the picture things would be different, id already be gone and i wish i was.

i know, i know dont talk like that well i tell you what walk a mile in my fucking shoes and you would probably feel the same way i do right now. Some would tell me, dont do that youll end up in hell, well i dont believe in hell so it makes no difference to me, ill get reincarnated, maybe as a fucking tree but ill be reincarnated none the less.

im headed to bed, its the only solution for the rest of the day, i have a list of shit to do tomorrow and my meds are finally kicking in...

What does Bones do??

 ive been asked a few times recently about just what Bones does as my service dog so i thought id explain it in greater detail for those who want to understand more about him.

 First off Bones is a rescue. When i rescued him he had been severely abused and was emaciated to the point of where he was soo skinny that he cried if i even used a baby brush on him.  He was afraid of belts to the point of which if my ex had his belt out to simply put on Bones would leave the room and literally pee himself. He did the same thing with brooms, mops, anything that had a stick to it, and of course rolled up papers as well.  For the first 2 months i had him if we went anywhere and took him with us as son as we got home he would potty in the hallway.  This came from his nerves and the excitement of coming back to the same place each time and was not a housebreaking issue as he would be fine for a hours if i had to go where i couldnt take him, or overnight when we were sleeping.

He had a blank look in his eyes the day i picked him up, as if his soul was just gone.  He was very sad looking when i first seen him but i knew that there was no way i could leave him behind, i knew that i was probably his only chance.  After taking him home, bathing, clipping, and feeding him he started to smile at me , it was then that i knew there would be a special bond between us and that bond has made up inseparable.

He has went through many changes, as have i and we have worked though it all together  with Bones being the only constant ive had in my life in years.

i was diagnosed with PTSD, agoraphobia depression about a year after rescuing him, but it hasnt been til the last year that ive been training his as my service dog.  And ive heard it all, people saying that im crazy for wanting a service dog, or that i only wanted him certified so that i could take him into stores with me, and other things. Well, in a way the me wanting him to go into stores with me is right. Thats been the whole point. With me having agoraphobia and being afraid to even leave the house most days, i feel better if hes with me. i know if i get too overwhelmed hes there to help get me through it as only he can. So yes, i did need him to be able to go places with me, and yes for selfish reasons, the selfish reason being that i want to be able to function as normal as possible. i dont like fearing people, but i cant change that either and having Bones with me at all times directs my attention more on him and i dont worry as much about people around me.

My room mates have seen him in action and were very surprised at how he acted when i had a major anxiety attack. Bones was right there, huddled to my chest and licking my face. This is how he is able to bring me out of my attacks. He also knows who everyone in the house is by name and if something is out of his control he will go get someone for me but usually Bones and i handle it on our own. He even has awoken me in the middle of the night from my nightmares when im screaming out by licking and nudging my face until alert.

At this point ive only had him in a few different stores and im finding out the more hes out in public the better he gets. Hes very well behaved out in public and knows his place. He stays at my side and so far while ive been out with him no one has invaded my personal space, something that Bones understands i have an issue with and the fact that people stand back a little further because of him is a good thing as i flip out when strangers are too close to me and Bones knows this.

He also can predict my attacks better than i can. He can be in another room and come running if im upset. i dont even have to call him or voice it to him, he just knows. He will also pace from my computer desk to the bed if he feels im going to have an attack and wont stop pacing until i listen to him.

We are a team! He has needs also, being that he is a rescue there are certain things that i still work on him with to overcome. Such as dumpsters but hes doing real well with our work on that. He even suffers from anxiety attacks when hes stressed or if theres been a big change but never once when ive needed him has he not been there.

There isnt a day that goes by that i dont NEED him for something and hes always been there. My fear is that hes 10 years old, now hes a miniature poodle which means he more than likely has at least 5 years left but not a day goes by thati dont worry about what would happen to me if i lost him and with this new issue with his leg its been hard on me, my attachment to him goes beyond owner/pet, and is even stronger than a parent /child bond. Bones has given me my life back and takes so much of the fear out of my life that its incredible. i once spent 6 months in the house and never left unless i was physically forced to go to the doctors,but now that i have Bones i feel like i can go most places and feel okay about it. All of my fears will never go away but he makes them a bit more manageable.

an insight into me

im not sure how to start this so ill start at the beginning.

Back when i was 20 i learned a very valuable lesson, and that was that in order to survive in life i had to control my feelings and emotions. My way of choice is by blocking them and remaining as numb as i can. This however tends to present issues for me at times. ive been told in the past that others wanted me to be me and show my emotions...that idea scares the hell out of me. 

 Inside im actually a very soft hearted person once you get to know me and i do let choice people see that side of me but not everyone. ive been told my emotions are a good thing...no, they are not. If people had any idea of the feelings i stuff and why i would probably be locked up in a padded room with a straight jacket.  

 There are very few things that i let my guard down for and thats those very close to me such as those i live with, those im in relationships with and if you know me at all you know i have a real soft spot for animals. Animals of the furry kind have never hurt, betrayed, or given me any reason to doubt how they feel. They let you know by how they act, they dont know how to put on airs to try and get on your good side.  

For those i live with, i have no choice sometimes but for them to see the real me. we are around each other all the time, the truth shines through and im lucky enough that my room mates i have right now are the greatest. Theres not one of them that i dont trust, but that took time for me as well since i dont trust easily either. 

As far as those im in a relationship with, well Master has never given me any reason to hide myself from him, although i will admit that ive had one hell of a life and learning to love again isnt easy. ive always been one to fall fast and have it bite me in the ass later on....Thats why i guard myself. i never again want to go through the feeling of being no good, worthless, useless and being released. That in itself ruined many things for me. i spent a year telling myself i just couldnt move forward in life and wanted to kill myself soo many times because i simply believed that when a slave loses their Master there is no other choice.  ive given up on that way of thinking for the most part but know that i cant go through times like that anymore. Thats part of why i wanted to take off and just travel on y own for a while. i had honestly planned on never finding a new Master. So the decision to let someone in again was a very well thought out idea that i took a lot of time trying to figure out if it was something i wanted. 

The only thing that did keep me alive for the past 18 months was Bones. It may sound silly but he depends on me and we have been through so much together that there is no way ill abandon him by dying. My plan was that once he passed on, which could be up to 10 years from now that then i would end my life. And that until that time i needed to remain in check of all of my feelings and emotions. But to give him credit i think Bones being there has shown me that i can love again, and it can be a good thing. And i can go ahead and let myself go emotionally, to an extent anyway. 

i know some people may think that im a cold hearted bitch and thats okay with me...but its my only way to survive. In all honesty when it comes to most humans i really dont care...but if its an animal i do. As bad as this sounds when i left my kids behind to stay with my mother, that was an easier decision than deciding which way to go with Bones current medical situation.  Thats not to say i dont love my kids because i do, they are my flesh and blood, but, Bones is my side kick, my protector, my confidant, he has became a need in my life, no one has any idea of how much i struggle being anywhere public when i dont have him with me. He keeps me safe, keeps me from losing it. He gives me that distraction i need to be able to go out and be as normal as i possibly can.  This thing called PTSD really has fucked me up, and i fear that when others see the extent it can get to they will turn away from me, that my night terrors of me screaming in my sleep will scare them away, or the flashbacks i get if im in a store, or even just some of my odd quirks and ways that i have to do things to make it through a day. 

Yes, i am a high maintenance slave, im not proud of that but it is what it is.  i can feel very insecure at times even if not given a reason to be.  The majority of my life has been spent being forgotten about, its like im invisible at times and i dont even exist.  Yet at the same time i hate attention, i hate to be fussed over, and when someone does something nice for me i get all giddy inside but tend to act like its no big deal on the outside. It makes me very uncomfortable, especially gifts and such, oh and compliments as well.  

Oh and asking for anything is killer for me, many times id rather die than ask someone for something, even if its a need. im working on that one somewhat but its not easy for me.  i think part of it is because with my situation i cant always reciprocate right away and i feel guilty for needing things. i hate that im high maintenance. Yet it cant be avoided. i dont make decisions well, cant keep track of my life or function on my own...i need almost constant direction..  That doesnt mean standing over me 24/7 but it does mean that if i dont have some kind of goal list, schedule or know whats expected of me i tend to get lost in time and i get nothing accomplished. 

im going to end this for now, re reading this has ony proved to show me how messed up i really am and its depressing.    

i find myself getting very frustrated today, i just cant move fast enough. The past 3 days ive been like this and i try and make myself slow down only to start shaking so i get back up and start working on something else. The first day of this i found myself scrubbing cupboard doors, the second day or yesterday i pretty much cleaned non stop including going through all of my clothes, even the ones stored away and figureing out what i want to keep or get rid of or pack back up for a later date. Today it was fixing dinner , which was a time consuming dish, cleaning the fish bowl, working on laundry and now im forcing myself to sit down and write all of this out before i explode. i still have laundry to keep working on today and a blanket to get crocheted plus a dog to bathe...so ill be pretty busy up until bedtime if i even sleep. But i need to sleep because tomorrow Bones goes to the vet at 11.

im driving myself crazy, i almost feel manic, i was diagnosed with bi polar a few years ago than i had another doc tell me it was just PTSD, i dont know what it is all i know is while i like being productive my body is paying for it big time, im hurting like hell, my back and legs are killing me and i feel like i could run a marathon at the same time...this is too fucked up.

What i miss

 Some days i feel lost, lonely and confused. i hate feeling that way but i guess being human it means those kind of feelings will happen.  For many years i learned a lifestyle that i loved and still love it yet when i dont have someone to serve or take care of on a regular basis it tend to make me feel all of those things. i guess the loneliness is the worst, technically im never alone yet at the same time i feel that way inside.

When i had a schedule to keep, meals to make, rooms to clean and someone that was there for me to look after it was different. For me being a slave means that i take care of my Masters every need be it a cup of tea at the end of the day or being sexually available for them per their whims. For me though the domestic side of things was what kept me going. it was the structure, knowing that i was being held accountable for things getting done. it turned me into a neat freak and ive kind of lost that part of me over the past year and a half but i know that it will come back to me when it needs to as ive just been so focused on taking care of myself, getting through a few nervous breakdowns and a few moves.

i try not to dwell on my past but my past is what shaped me into what i am today and its the only thing i really have to reference from at this point.  i just miss things...i miss cooking, not the simple meals but the more complicated meals and serving it after a long days work. And feeling confident in who and what i am. ive lost all of that confidence, i used to think i could do anything and for the longest of time i did do anything i set my mind on doing be it teaching, mentoring a new skill i personally wanted to learn. i remember when my ex was away for a little while and i got bored so i set out to teach myself to knit.. it took me a few days to really get it down but i did it on my own and that year a made a queen size afghan for the bed. It wasnt perfect but i did it. Or the totally untrained dog that i rescued in which no one else had faith in and i was almost told to take him to the shelter because others didnt like him...no one would believe it if they seen him now...hes now a Service dog...and he wasnt even house trained when i picked him up...There were the picnics and dinners i organized and the groups in which i ran as well.

i think as i read this and my mind is turning that i just miss being busy but not busy as in doing for everyone else but busy in the way that you keep busy doing things that you know make a difference in your relationship with your significant other or as i refer to him Master.

i yearn for the day when once again i have a Master i can serve 24/7, fixing his meals, doing his laundry keeping his house clean, doing whatever is needed but thats what makes me tick. And when the day is done maybe being told that i make a difference in their life. But that doesnt always have to be in verbal form, simple cuddling at the end of the day, or sitting at his feet while relaxing maybe with a cup of tea or glass of wine works just fine.

Yes, today i am mourning the past, but im trying hard to focus on my future as well...i just hope it all comes together before i lose my mind.

life in general

Life has just been weird lately, lots of ups and downs that are leaving me with the feeling of being closed in and trapped and i dont know how to fight my way out of it yet.

Weird dreams that arent exactly nightmares but leave me with the same feelings that i would wake up with if it were nightmares.

i know my problem...i feel stuck in life, as if i cant move forward no matter what i do at this point, it feels like everything is against me and its wearing me down.

There is a glimmer of hope in all of this however and i have to keep reminding myself of that and he knows who he is... we have quite a lot in common and its the only area of my life right now that im hopeful in.  And doing things again like playing Magic the Gathering and Wow and Pathfinder may be what i need to keep my spirits up, they are activities that we can enjoy together so its a win win situation.

i really want to get back into my writing and find a way to make it pay...i need to do some research on that i know at one time this blog was set up to earn money but i dont know if it is still that way or not. Either way i was given a good idea...once i find a site that does pay im going to start another blog that focuses on Poodles as service dogs. Not just for poodles but also the doodles as well. I find that in my search for other poodles as service dogs i pretty much come up empty handed and i want to fix that.

i took a walk with Bones a little earlier to clear my head and while i still feel boxed in it did help some, the sun felt good on my face and i discovered that there were a few wispy clouds in the sky, of which i didnt notice earlier in the day. i kind of have a phobia of a sky with no clouds, it always makes me thing of 9/11 and everything that happened that day, from the moment i woke up and seen the news  to getting my son from school to driving to work that day and noticing a completely clear sky no clouds, planes and on the radio nothing except for all of the horrifying  news of the days events. Mixed with that was losing a friend but it didnt sink in that day, it took a while for me to realize what had all happened as that day i needed to be focused on the safety fair that i was in charge of at work, the red cross, wright patterson airforce base and the local fire department all pulled out. Of course i understood why but i still had to make arrangements on set up changes and all of that. On top of it was knowing that i had brothers still in the military and i didnt know where they were or what was going on with them. Soo needless to say i was very on edge that day.

in a bad place

im completely stressed to the max today, ive been having to deal with social security, lawyers and doctors. i dont know how to do this shit and so they are going to help me find a representative to help...great, a stranger who will probably be an uncaring fuck who knows nothing about me.

ive been trying really really hard for people around me not to notice how im about to crash and burn but i dont think its going to take much more for me to fall off the cliff. The night terrors and flashbacks are back again and in more than full force. im going to try and find a counselor today but who knows when ill be able to get in.  the only thing keeping me going is Bones. if it wasnt for him id already be dead and i know that. heck at times i wish i already was...but im trying to find things to live for no matter how small. But when im seeing flashes of green and yellow i know things are bad...

My physical health is suffering greatly and i have an appt for a new doc in Nov. i only hope they understand and can help. the way my legs have been swelling i probably should be in the hospital, not to mention the pain thats been more than i can take and my back, shoulders, hell my whole body, i just cringe when anything touches me, even Bones, any type of touch brings pain.

Now after being disconnected from social security and calling back they completely didnt understand what i needed and they are sending me the papers to appeal but also they didnt know anything about a personal rep and gave me the number for legal aid...are you fucking kidding me...

All of that crap got me to the point of really starting to dive and i ended up calling a hotline and they got im in touch with a counseling center that can see me in friday.  All of this after ending up rocking on the kitchen floor for over an hour with Bones flipping out not knowing what to do but doing his best.  I did make sure that Bones is able to go with me friday and its not a problem thank goodness because anymore i cant even go out the door without him. Honestly the world scares me right now, if its not my bed or right in my area/room it freaks me out.

i just hope one day i can be over all of this, even if it takes going back on meds but something has to be done about all of this. The thing is its hard to do it all alone. i used to have help with it and now that i dont i dont know how to do any of it, i dont know how to function.  And i keep looking at my arm and just wanting to finish what i started...i want it all gone, i dont want any reminders of the past, no flash backs, dreams, none of it, i just want to be happy again, or at least not terrorized by my past.

im putting it all out there

For those who care to read this you may or may not be surprised. Ive been going through a lot lately, staying in bed most of the time, depressed generally just giving up. dont be surprised if i continue this, its not just the PTSD and such its also something else entirely different that i dont discuss often.

This may get a little tmi but its the only way to explain things. My breasts have really REALLY been hurting a lot. i dont mention it because i in a way dont want to know but ive also found new lumps, huge ones...yes i know i have cystic breast disease and i know at some point it will most likely turn into cancer and im fine with that, good with it even. Call me crazy but anything that will just go ahead and take me out of this world i will welcome. IF and its a huge IF i end up talking to a doctor about it and get it tested even if it is cancer dont try and talk me into treatment, i decided years ago that i will not do treatment of any kind, just pain killers to make it more comfortable.

to myself

Ive been in and out of a funk for a while now and tonight after spending all day sleeping ive came to the realization that i need something to motivate me and keep me going while i struggle to get all of my projects met and become successful at something.

im not your average person, i doubt myself often but im passionate about certain things and am kind of a jane of many trades but have yet to master one yet...this year hopefully by the end of the year ill be able to say different.

The things im drawn to are my writing, dog grooming, crocheting and even though i have yet to really do it tattooing and piercing...im hoping through the passion for my first 3 loves that i can become successful at the later but its all about trying to raise the money for it at this point. ive been offered an apprenticeship with a local artist and one way or the other will make it happen. i need to get my book done and published and hopefully that will go a long way in helping me with it all. It was devastating when i discovered that 3 years of my writing got lost and i have had to start over...cuz i really wasnt far from being able to publish and feel like im back at square one which i am but i think if i can just force my mind back into it i can get it done in a month or so...i hope anyway...

How

Thats the question, how? How does one fight through everyday not letting the past destroy them?

i hope someday to have that answer but for now i have this...this blackness that im looking into, and when its not the blackness its the thoughts of the hands on me that took away everything. The worst part right now that im facing is that as a human i was only innocent for a few years...since then its been one man or another taking from me what i should have never had taken...i should have chose to given that innocence away...and it makes me wonder if thats why im so bad at relationships...not just romantic relationships but friendships as well.

Black, just black...memories and horrors from the past that i wish i could burn from my brain...but all i can do is work through them and hope for the best...im not a religious person by any means anymore. i dont care what it is...if there was a god or higher power they would not have let me go through all of this shit. The only thing i have going for me right now is that i know without a doubt that im in the safest place i think ive ever been, i dont have to worry about being taken advantage of, forced to do things against my will or abused and while thats a good thing, hell its wonderful its also scary as hell...ive never been in a place where at any moment the rug could be ripped out from under me and some days i dont know how to act.

Heck how to act is mild...i dont even know who i am...ive always lived my life to make everyone else happy to the point to where somewhere along the line i lost me...i dont know who i am or what i need or want out of my life. i dont know how to do anything on my own...i was taught and trained to do as told...now i do as i pretty much want and do you know how hard that is some days??? without guidance, without structure hell even without fear...and i want to make it clean i am not talking only about my ex Master, im talking about those who have ruled me all my life from my mother, to my kids who needed things, my bosses. All in control of my life, not me...and now that ive taken back my life i dont know what to do with it...ive been struggling with it for a little over a year and im not making much progress. i dont go outside unless i have to because im scared of seeing people i dont want to see by accident, going to a store while others may think its getting easier for me is only getting harder...i cant keep my mind on one thing very long anymore so my writing has truly suffered but i am determined to get that damned book done this year.

The only thing i have figured out is that i do want to become a tattoo artist and ive starting doing some work on it at home and while i still have a lot to learn im working on it...and its something that also feeds my masochistic side...im one of those that needs to feel pain on a constant basis to survive...its the pain that lets me know im still alive, even if i dont want to be. Thats why in a way it only makes sense that i have lupus and fibromyalgia and all the other shit that i deal with...it reminds me everyday that im still alive.

For me, being alive isnt always a good thing...id trade it in a heartbeat to not be however i have one being that needs and depends on me and i cant let him down. i swore the day i rescued him that his days of pain and heartache were over and that no matter what i had to do we would be together til he takes his last breath and that time is a ways away. so, for him i must struggle each day to protect, care for and love, and i gladly do.

i know this has been a weird entry and maybe some of it vague but i had to just get some thoughts out and see if i could start to organize my thoughts enough to do some more work on my book.

my dark place

my dark place is where i feel happy, it keeps me warm and safe. Away from all the cares in the world. i can cry,  yell, scream, just get it all out and be good again. i like retreating into my shell...letting nothing else in and thats where im going to be for a while along with of course Bones and my crochet until i can figure things out again and come back out with a game plan...

As of right now there is no game plan as life seems to hate me,

Introduction to blog

This blog is based on my life. Who am i you ask? Well im a lady in my 30s who has PTSD, lupus and some other health issues. I also have a service dog that helps with my anxiety and such related to the PTSD.  I have many random thoughts and views on things and like to share those. im also working on my first book. ive had an interesting life anf right now my life has been stagnant and im working on making my life move along again. ive been a writer since i was young and have had a few articles and poems published but not enough to make a name for myself. Well, i want to change that. im currently working on the book based on my life...after that will be a book for younger people based on my Service Dogs life, then a series of childrens books. So i have many projects ahead of me and im uber excited to get the first one finished.