Back when i was 20 i learned a very valuable lesson, and that was that in order to survive in life i had to control my feelings and emotions. My way of choice is by blocking them and remaining as numb as i can. This however tends to present issues for me at times. ive been told in the past that others wanted me to be me and show my emotions...that idea scares the hell out of me.
Inside im actually a very soft hearted person once you get to know me and i do let choice people see that side of me but not everyone. ive been told my emotions are a good thing...no, they are not. If people had any idea of the feelings i stuff and why i would probably be locked up in a padded room with a straight jacket.
There are very few things that i let my guard down for and thats those very close to me such as those i live with, those im in relationships with and if you know me at all you know i have a real soft spot for animals. Animals of the furry kind have never hurt, betrayed, or given me any reason to doubt how they feel. They let you know by how they act, they dont know how to put on airs to try and get on your good side.
For those i live with, i have no choice sometimes but for them to see the real me. we are around each other all the time, the truth shines through and im lucky enough that my room mates i have right now are the greatest. Theres not one of them that i dont trust, but that took time for me as well since i dont trust easily either.
As far as those im in a relationship with, well Master has never given me any reason to hide myself from him, although i will admit that ive had one hell of a life and learning to love again isnt easy. ive always been one to fall fast and have it bite me in the ass later on....Thats why i guard myself. i never again want to go through the feeling of being no good, worthless, useless and being released. That in itself ruined many things for me. i spent a year telling myself i just couldnt move forward in life and wanted to kill myself soo many times because i simply believed that when a slave loses their Master there is no other choice. ive given up on that way of thinking for the most part but know that i cant go through times like that anymore. Thats part of why i wanted to take off and just travel on y own for a while. i had honestly planned on never finding a new Master. So the decision to let someone in again was a very well thought out idea that i took a lot of time trying to figure out if it was something i wanted.
The only thing that did keep me alive for the past 18 months was Bones. It may sound silly but he depends on me and we have been through so much together that there is no way ill abandon him by dying. My plan was that once he passed on, which could be up to 10 years from now that then i would end my life. And that until that time i needed to remain in check of all of my feelings and emotions. But to give him credit i think Bones being there has shown me that i can love again, and it can be a good thing. And i can go ahead and let myself go emotionally, to an extent anyway.
i know some people may think that im a cold hearted bitch and thats okay with me...but its my only way to survive. In all honesty when it comes to most humans i really dont care...but if its an animal i do. As bad as this sounds when i left my kids behind to stay with my mother, that was an easier decision than deciding which way to go with Bones current medical situation. Thats not to say i dont love my kids because i do, they are my flesh and blood, but, Bones is my side kick, my protector, my confidant, he has became a need in my life, no one has any idea of how much i struggle being anywhere public when i dont have him with me. He keeps me safe, keeps me from losing it. He gives me that distraction i need to be able to go out and be as normal as i possibly can. This thing called PTSD really has fucked me up, and i fear that when others see the extent it can get to they will turn away from me, that my night terrors of me screaming in my sleep will scare them away, or the flashbacks i get if im in a store, or even just some of my odd quirks and ways that i have to do things to make it through a day.
Yes, i am a high maintenance slave, im not proud of that but it is what it is. i can feel very insecure at times even if not given a reason to be. The majority of my life has been spent being forgotten about, its like im invisible at times and i dont even exist. Yet at the same time i hate attention, i hate to be fussed over, and when someone does something nice for me i get all giddy inside but tend to act like its no big deal on the outside. It makes me very uncomfortable, especially gifts and such, oh and compliments as well.
Oh and asking for anything is killer for me, many times id rather die than ask someone for something, even if its a need. im working on that one somewhat but its not easy for me. i think part of it is because with my situation i cant always reciprocate right away and i feel guilty for needing things. i hate that im high maintenance. Yet it cant be avoided. i dont make decisions well, cant keep track of my life or function on my own...i need almost constant direction.. That doesnt mean standing over me 24/7 but it does mean that if i dont have some kind of goal list, schedule or know whats expected of me i tend to get lost in time and i get nothing accomplished.
im going to end this for now, re reading this has ony proved to show me how messed up i really am and its depressing.
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