What makes you happy

 Originally written on 3/11/13

i debated for over 24 hours on if i wanted to post this..and i decided to post it, after all, once my book is out everyone will know everything, good and bad

 Such a simple little question and so few answers for me. Sure in the short term many things make me happy, a cup of coffee, a walk with the dog, joking around with friends...But its not what makes you happy that should be the question, it should be what keeps you happy.

Heres my answer to that, nothing, not one god damned thing in world keeps me happy, what i thought did ive lost and now im just waiting out my remaining days.  Yes, before you go running to a shrink or giving me numbers to call its a largly known fact that i plan on only living about 5 more years. My lifespan now revolves around the life of my dog. When he goes ill go, thats how i want it. he is the one thing that i am completely responsible to and for and i wont let him have another owner if i can help it.

This may sound sad, suicidal or really really stupid to some who read this but for the past year all of my doctors have known this is my plan...and nothing will stop me.

This is why i want a camper, so that i can spend time traveling with Bones til the end, his natural end, as if youre a asshat and read too much into this you may be thinking that i would hurt this creature when that is the last thing i would ever do, he is why im still alive.

i cant wait for the sweet day when it can finally all be over. Until then im just stuck in a world where i dont belong. There is no person who needs me anymore and i have no will left to keep pushing on. i just really hope the ssdi comes thru this time and i can take off as planned..