What i miss

 Some days i feel lost, lonely and confused. i hate feeling that way but i guess being human it means those kind of feelings will happen.  For many years i learned a lifestyle that i loved and still love it yet when i dont have someone to serve or take care of on a regular basis it tend to make me feel all of those things. i guess the loneliness is the worst, technically im never alone yet at the same time i feel that way inside.

When i had a schedule to keep, meals to make, rooms to clean and someone that was there for me to look after it was different. For me being a slave means that i take care of my Masters every need be it a cup of tea at the end of the day or being sexually available for them per their whims. For me though the domestic side of things was what kept me going. it was the structure, knowing that i was being held accountable for things getting done. it turned me into a neat freak and ive kind of lost that part of me over the past year and a half but i know that it will come back to me when it needs to as ive just been so focused on taking care of myself, getting through a few nervous breakdowns and a few moves.

i try not to dwell on my past but my past is what shaped me into what i am today and its the only thing i really have to reference from at this point.  i just miss things...i miss cooking, not the simple meals but the more complicated meals and serving it after a long days work. And feeling confident in who and what i am. ive lost all of that confidence, i used to think i could do anything and for the longest of time i did do anything i set my mind on doing be it teaching, mentoring a new skill i personally wanted to learn. i remember when my ex was away for a little while and i got bored so i set out to teach myself to knit.. it took me a few days to really get it down but i did it on my own and that year a made a queen size afghan for the bed. It wasnt perfect but i did it. Or the totally untrained dog that i rescued in which no one else had faith in and i was almost told to take him to the shelter because others didnt like him...no one would believe it if they seen him now...hes now a Service dog...and he wasnt even house trained when i picked him up...There were the picnics and dinners i organized and the groups in which i ran as well.

i think as i read this and my mind is turning that i just miss being busy but not busy as in doing for everyone else but busy in the way that you keep busy doing things that you know make a difference in your relationship with your significant other or as i refer to him Master.

i yearn for the day when once again i have a Master i can serve 24/7, fixing his meals, doing his laundry keeping his house clean, doing whatever is needed but thats what makes me tick. And when the day is done maybe being told that i make a difference in their life. But that doesnt always have to be in verbal form, simple cuddling at the end of the day, or sitting at his feet while relaxing maybe with a cup of tea or glass of wine works just fine.

Yes, today i am mourning the past, but im trying hard to focus on my future as well...i just hope it all comes together before i lose my mind.