Hmm

im not always proud of who i am or of who ive become in this past year but its me simply trying to find me and one day at a time im finding that person. ive found crafts i enjoy doing and i find solace in my writing, it grounds me and lets me look back and see if ive moved from my depression in which i havent yet.

i dream of taking off and traveling, just me alone, no one with me and taking that time to work on my book and projects and most importantly trying to find me again. im a lost soul struggling everyday to even wake up and stay alive. Each day i wake up im like "oh Shit not another day of this" another day of trying to find my footing when i feel like im walking on ice. i want to make it clear that no one that im living with is making me feel this way, its just me inside, a scared little girl who feels as if she was put out to pasture by a stable Master who just couldnt handle the truth, her truths. As i look at it i dont think i blame me anymore. i will always carry the good memories of him with me, there were some great times, things i dont want to forget but there are just as many bad times that ill carry also. But i learned something with all of this, i learned more of what i need to function, not only as a human being but also as a slave. i need structure, guidance and a strong hand to enforce those things. i need someone who will lift me up, not put me down all the time and more importantly someone who wont give up on me even when i give up on myself.

Many dont know this but i tried to take my own life in october of 2011, it was because of a fight we were in where he discovered i was smoking again. Instead of working with me on it he was going to give up on me and he did, that was the start to the end. All my life everyone has always given up on me for one reason or another, and i dont know why. i dont see myself as a bad person, i do have my flaws but that just makes me human. Even my own mother tried to kill me 6 years ago, so when i say everyone has always given up on me i do mean everyone. i dont know whats wrong with me that caused people to do this with me. i like to think im a good person, ive never cheated in any of my relationships, ive always tried to help out others and im not a liar. Sure ive lied but who hasnt, the main one ive done was telling the ex that i has stopped smoking when i was still struggling with it and doing it behind his back. i know it was wrong of me but it really is the only wrong i did and he couldnt handle it.

i know me well enough that when im not getting what i need i tend to buck the system til i get it, and im not talking  wants here im talking actual needs, guidance  love, assurance that im cared for and wont be given up on. Those are needs to me, things ive never had and need in my life.

im a good girl, i really am, especially in the right environment, i just need to find that again. Nothing against where im at but its hard being who i am and living in a vanilla household, its like ive had to put who i am aside to try and fit in and thats not easy for me to do, thats been one of my biggest struggles in the past year. i live to serve, and when i dont have One to serve i kind of fall apart and thats not a good thing. i went for months without taking my meds this year and my eating habits are deplorable to say the least. im not one for new years resolutions but i think this year i ned to make some, starting with eating right again, which in turn should help me lose weight and get myself healthier. it would be nive to finish my book and get it published as well and i know i can do it if i give myself a schedule and make myself stick to it but heres the problem. i can be given a schedule i stick to it perfectly if i know its being enforced but when im doing it on my own i can never seem to do it, i just dont do well on my own and thats hard for me but its true.

So, im going to end this now since im not feeling well today and end on this note, someday soon i know i will find my motivation again, i have a feeling that i have found it i just have to stick to it and see what unfolds, if things go well this next year may be a good one for a change.