This has been a life long struggle for me. ive always worried about everything, am i good enough, do i deserve that in my life, am i going to mess up or what am i going to mess up next?
i always mess something up, whether it be relationships with friends, family or a significant other. i dont count on anything in life i never have. My strongest place to be has always been work, i could ignore the outside world and just work my ass off, i always put work first up until i was injured and cant work now. The saddest part is that i want to work but with everything ive been through i cant, either the physical issues i struggle with everyday will hold me back from being my best or the mental issues and the PTSD would keep me from being able to concentrate.
im trying to start my own little crochet business but even that is becoming too much. i love to crochet but its the pressure of it that i cant handle. i did fine for a few months but ive really slid backwards and now cant even make it through making a simple fucking hat. Yes im frustrated.
im having a day where i cant concentrate, im having back to back anxiety attacks and all i can think of is running away. i do like where im living, i know im safe here. i just want to get away from everything, the doctors, the people, the chaos. i cant even go out in public at this point and when i do all i hear is voices that i know are not there. Bones is a help with that and him consoling me and helping me keep my mind focused does help but this is like the 6 months where i refused to leave the house. Again, im afraid of people, noises, even objects. If i hear a raised voice i panic and if i see a child i want to run.
IF my ssdi comes through im leaving everything behind except for a few friends that ill stay in contact with, getting a camper and just going...where i dont exactly know but ill figure it out. In a perfect world it would be a campsite with few people around where i could just write and try and find myself again. Its hard to believe that at one point i was a strong confident person/slave that didnt let anything stop her, now everything stops her. Even the thought of going outside scares me. i love walking Bones but there are too many days lately where i just dont want to see anyone if i go outside and i know thats unrealistic.
ive been called anti social quite a few times in my life and i always denied it but i guess its true. i cant believe that at one point i would do out to functions, i did a lot of writing and have been told that some people would follow my writing and wish that they had the nerve to say some of the things i do, now im afraid to talk of such things as i know the community sees me as weak and useless.
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