ive had a rough week and a half. ive went through thinking that maybe i could have a new start in life to watching it blow up in my face, even leaving a mark of the man who put it there.
Sometimes i wonder if im crazy, goddess knows ive been losing my mind for a while and theres no telling when that will return...
A few things keep me going, close friends who understand me, my family and Bones, my little dog who has the heart of a warrior.
Everyone and even i agree i deserve better than what i give myself credit for, i just dont know why i dont make it happen. Is it fear of being alone? Quite possibly, but with my army behind me i know deep inside ill never be alone, everyone is just a call, text or IM away from me.
i feel at times, like maybe i dont deserve better simply because of all of my health issues. Why get involved with someone who may end up having to take care of me...but my mind tells me that in every good and lasting relationship that as that partnership grows one always ends up taking care of the other is its going to last as long as a life can.
Do we ever escape caring for others??? i hope not, thats what i want. Someone i can take care of and love, and someone who wants to do the same in return. Not out of obligation but out of love, true love, caring and knowing what it is to be in a healthy relationship.
i had that at one time, it slipped through my fingers and its now gone. What got left behind is Bones, that little dog loves me in a way that only a dog can. There is no judging, no cheating, just unconditional love from a little fur ball my nephew likes to call fabio.
Maybe my priorities are messed up, afterall if you cant at least like my dog than im not going to like you. If a human cant respect that that little dog is the reason im alive and that i cant live without him at this point than those people can go to hell. Very few understand the pet/human(owner) connection. Those who do understand me and i cherish that part of them, how could i not.
i used to have 3 physical standards in partners, they had to have their own teeth, own hair and be taller than me, pretty superficial isnt it??
Well i learned that these things are nice and still preferred but if you dont like the dog who is like my child than it just will not ever work out. Maybe hes a bit spoiled, i dote on him all the time, he gets fast food burgers, and always shares my meals with me but its not all me giving. He rescues me everyday, the doggie kisses i get, the smacks he gives me to get my attention...all let me know that in this cold cold world that i am needed for something, even if its just his cuddle buddy at bedtime.
Sure i fear spending the rest of my life single, but even worse would be being single without the dog. At times hes all the company i need. If i get to live out my dream and travel some it will be with him as my protection, companion and friend. He may not be able to share in the driving but he also doesnt care on the destination as long as hes with me and thats all i ask.
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