im completely stressed to the max today, ive been having to deal with social security, lawyers and doctors. i dont know how to do this shit and so they are going to help me find a representative to help...great, a stranger who will probably be an uncaring fuck who knows nothing about me.
ive been trying really really hard for people around me not to notice how im about to crash and burn but i dont think its going to take much more for me to fall off the cliff. The night terrors and flashbacks are back again and in more than full force. im going to try and find a counselor today but who knows when ill be able to get in. the only thing keeping me going is Bones. if it wasnt for him id already be dead and i know that. heck at times i wish i already was...but im trying to find things to live for no matter how small. But when im seeing flashes of green and yellow i know things are bad...
My physical health is suffering greatly and i have an appt for a new doc in Nov. i only hope they understand and can help. the way my legs have been swelling i probably should be in the hospital, not to mention the pain thats been more than i can take and my back, shoulders, hell my whole body, i just cringe when anything touches me, even Bones, any type of touch brings pain.
Now after being disconnected from social security and calling back they completely didnt understand what i needed and they are sending me the papers to appeal but also they didnt know anything about a personal rep and gave me the number for legal aid...are you fucking kidding me...
All of that crap got me to the point of really starting to dive and i ended up calling a hotline and they got im in touch with a counseling center that can see me in friday. All of this after ending up rocking on the kitchen floor for over an hour with Bones flipping out not knowing what to do but doing his best. I did make sure that Bones is able to go with me friday and its not a problem thank goodness because anymore i cant even go out the door without him. Honestly the world scares me right now, if its not my bed or right in my area/room it freaks me out.
i just hope one day i can be over all of this, even if it takes going back on meds but something has to be done about all of this. The thing is its hard to do it all alone. i used to have help with it and now that i dont i dont know how to do any of it, i dont know how to function. And i keep looking at my arm and just wanting to finish what i started...i want it all gone, i dont want any reminders of the past, no flash backs, dreams, none of it, i just want to be happy again, or at least not terrorized by my past.
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