My fears when i became a Satanist

    I was on the left hand path already so that never factored in: these were my concerns.

That because everyone I was seeing pictures of online were skinny, something that im not but am working on and I have improved my health immensely in the past 5 years. I even run 5ks now when before even walking around the block would tire me out. Ive just heard too many people say that more Wiccans or Withes are heavy and its the other way around with Satanists, particularly with females.

My PTSD was the next hurdle, I felt that it made me mentally weak and that I wouldnt be able to find a place within the Satanic community where i would belong because of my anxiety/panic attacks and the fact that i dont like to go out all that much. Im more of a homebody, im more comfortable that way or was up until 4 years ago when I trained my first Service Dog. That dog retired and is too old to work now so I have Jasper and he is doing well on most of his training...biggest issue has been training him on the escalator, he tried to walk backwards up it and freaked out on me...but thats okay I rarely use those so its not an issue. (how bad is it that i wish someone had been there recording his actions and expressions lol) I felt sorry for him but at the same time i couldnt stop laughing.

My mental capacity isnt like many others. I have lupus, fibromyalgia and PTSD and all those tend to mess with my memory or even the ability to comprehend a conversation at times, not to mention the mind altering medications that I have to be on if i want to function on a day to day basis. I do still have that issue but am learning tricks around it since starting college and my memory is getting better, its not perfect but its better. I am still in my first year of college but I am doing it! I didnt back out, I havent slowed down and Im holding a GPA of 3.7.

Then came the you have to give your soul to the devil by having sex with me type of person. Okay, now that was very early on and I quickly discovered its not all like that that there are different types and I found where I belonged when I started reading Anton Laveys books.I have came a long way since then and for me its all about personal empowerment. Being the best me I can be, and if able helping others as well but I always but me, my safety and welfare and needs first. I am my own God, No one rules me!

And dont get me started on liking dark things. I do like a lot of dark things, horror movies  and all of that but I have Hello Kitty stickers everywhere, even my pillows and I cant leave out my love for My Little Ponys, Oh and my car is done in Hello Kitty car seat cover.

UPDATE:

As you can probably tell I did go in and edit some things, so this is kind of jumpy but I can be like that sometimes.

The Game

Sitting at a wooden laminate table trying to comprehend what was going on in the Pathfinder game she was playing, she found herself trying to calm her nerves of an impending Anxiety attack. She has her Service Dog at her feet, his head on top of one of her feet. She woke him because she needed some Deep Pressure Therapy, Giving him the cue "chest" He jumped up and put his front paws on her chest. The feeling of his nails digging in was what she needed but it wasnt enough to completely relieve her symptoms. She quickly got up and headed for the bathroom where she could sit on the cool tiles and do full on deep pressure therapy from Jasper. It took a little time but it worked and she just sat there for a few minutes and let herself completely relax.  Then pulling herself back together headed back out to the table.

A while later, after recovering from her attack she notices the song playing in the restaurant is something about the California Sun, which made her want to do nothing else than go home, pack and move there.  She already has a place there and friends that she is hoping in a pinch would help her if things went bad.

November is when she is thinking of going as she has a friend flying in to see her in October and they are going to New York on a 3 day trip then back to Ohio...It would be soo easy once back in Ohio to rent a trailer, shove her stuff in it and just go...

Putting that thought away for now she indulged in the game  she was playing and ended up with quite a few hit points but didnt die.  After a while longer she found herself being woke up...she had fallen asleep at the table and she then handed her character over to a friend and and headed for the car where she put in a new Only Flesh CD that she hadnt heard yet, put the seat back and just zoned out. Not sleeping because she wanted to hear the music but needed to rest at the same time. Eventually the game was over and her friend Matt came out and they started the drive home. Chatting about the game and their days as they had both done different things. She had a 3 hour SIN meeting and he and his girlfriend had went to the movies.

Not remembering clearly if she had told him she let him know that when going to the game and realizing where it was she took a detour to the pet store across the street to look around and get Jasper a few new toys for the car. Yes, hes that spoiled, she keeps toys in the car for him to play with. The problem with the restaurant was that it was the last place she had seen her brother, sister and nieces and nephews, and her ex was with her. God how she missed him. Even after all these years if he walked through the door right now she would take him back. Forgiving him for the lying and cheating if he could forgive her for her hiding her smoking and a few other things that happened. However, they had kind of grew in different directions at the time as she wanted a child and he couldnt have kids anymore, she needed rougher play and he just couldnt bring himself to do it. There were other issues but nothing that couldnt be talked out and she would give anything to have that talk now and have things go back to normal and go back home. She missed home, all that land, the simple house in the country and his love most of all.

Now she had a rented basement with 2 roommates in the other part of the house, matt and his girlfriend. Thats another relationship that she had messed up but they did all remain friends at least but she needed out of there like yesterday. Even a year since the break up she still missed them even though they were right there in the same house.  She is one who needs physical contact, hugs mostly and now her live had turned into the only physical touch she got was her Service dog. At times that is all she needs but there is no replacement for human touch. Such as being held on a bad day, having a warm body to sleep next to. She had messed that relationship up so much. Now the relationship was just as friends, helping keep the house up, the back porch clean of the dog poop, doing dishes and laundry. Kind of like a purely domestic slave and she tried to for that to fulfill her but it doesnt work. She gets angry anymore at the house so she stays downstairs where she is out of the way and just concentrates on her college classes, writing and Service Dog.
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Yes if you hadnt guessed it  this is all about me, my personal life but I wanted to do it in third person as I dont want this person to exist anymore with the exception of my Service Dog and college. She wants freedom, life, love and to just feel like i belong somewhere in this world.  I miss my kids and mother, I understand that one doesnt want to see me but i do get to chat with my daughter sometimes and on the phone with my mother too which is always nice.

If it wasnt for Jasper my Service Dog I would not be alive today...he needs me and that gives me something to live for as he has a very good life for a dog and I dont know what kind of life he would have without me...i dont even want to imagine that, hes such a great creature and soo smart.

So heres the wrap up to the story, I know ive messed up a lot in my life and i live with that guilt everyday of my existence. I just want to find somewhere that I belong and can be happy.

Open writing

 I have some decisions to make. In particular if im going to move to California in November.  I do that people here for me and I would miss them but I can come for visits and remain in their lives.

I just feel like my place is by the beach, water, sand and not to mention a new environment to write in. Ive been stifled by my current surroundings. Theres nothing new or exciting to write about here anymore. I could take day trips to places around me for inspiration but im starting to consider giving witing a screen play a try, If that doesnt work i still have my writing to fall back on.

I just want a good life, one where i can travel, see this and other countries, have my Service Dog always at my side and someone in my life that can love us both...and understand that no human can do for me the things that my dog is trained to do. And his training isnt even done yet...

I dont know that living in a poly environment will be okay for me or now. As of this far I have failed the poly situation and am wanting to leave the lifestyle completely. But I have other reasons to move to California. Ive been told that I can start a SIN chapter out there where i move to and there are more satanists out in Cali than there are here. Thing is between now and November I would have to find someone to take over my Columbus chapter.

The next few months are going to be a struggle. I need to get my surgery and teeth done, Jasper needs his shots and I have got to start training everyday for 5ks now that they are coming up on me fast. My goal is that between now and October is to lose 50 pounds and if i run or walk every day plus exist mainly on my protein shakes I can do it.  Also eating vegetables, fruits and occasionally chicken or tuna. Of course I will still keep drinking my coffee with the creamer in it because without that I think i would want to kill people.

When it comes down to it I want my freedom yet I want someone there that loves me as well, its a tricky combination but I will not quit school, writing or dog training for anything, those are my loves.  These things will always come first in my life as will my SIN Chapter because I feel as if I am contributing to something much bigger than me by giving those who are satanists but have no one to talk to, hang out with or even confide in. I have been told by one of my current chapter members that those are the things they like the most about having this chapter in Columbus. Maybe that is my contribution to this life.

My sleep pattern has been very off lately and i need to fix it but today I am going running and I need to also go to Curves a few times a week as well, maybe even every day. Use it to warm my body up before running. I just hate that I cant take my Service Dog there with me but, he will get to run with me, thats a given. I will never run without him, Too many triggers for me to be around in public.  I found a local running group but damn it if you dont have to pay the fee for the course by June 2nd and I get paid on June 3rd...right now as it is I will be lucky to be able to get my meds and vape juice the rest of this month. I really need to find a freelancer writing job. I will get on Up Work when I get done with this and take a few more of their tests and look for work. If i could even just make an extra $500 a month writing part time I would be happy. It would mean juggling one more thing in my life and as of late i havent been able to do much but hopefully once I start working out again my energy level will come back up and I will be able to be more productive.

Damn, Just writing this post has made me feel good. I have soo much inside of me that I need to get out. I havent openly expressed myself in quite a while and I forgot how wonderful it feels.

Life with a Service Dog (kind of funny)

I ran out to the vape shop to get a few things and of course Jasper went with me. While in there we all got to talking about dog training, sharing dog stories and the like.

One guy asked me if Jasper could roll over? I explained that his training is more for my medical needs and explained how hes learning to turn off lights (very successfully I might add), we are working on him bringing me meds if i need them and i told them about the deep pressure therapy he does.  The guy didnt quite seem to understand when the other one explained to him " hes doing what a MAN should be doing for her and taking care of her."

I busted out laughing at the thought as I would much prefer Jasper to any man at this point. Not that men are bad but Im just not in a place where I want one in my life right now. I have school starting up, a few other groups Im either in or run having things going on, Im still training Jasper and to be completely honest...Im enjoying not having the hassle of a relationship not to mention the drama. Im soo over drama in my life.

Also I dont have "normal" relationships, think 50 Shades of Grey but much much more intense and REAL...I dont want anyone having control over me right now. Sure my finances may be a mess right now but thats soon going to change once I dont have these constant car repairs and vet bills to pay. Once those are all taken care of in March I will have enough coming in each month to even set some back for emergencies and thats a spot I havent been in for YEARS!!!

Ill be paying off my new computer for school from my extra federal aid money, its something I needed for school and it made sense to go ahead and do it. Whats left from that if any Ill stash in the bank or maybe pay for a training class for Jasper, which in a few years when i decide to attend the actual classroom Ill need him with me so there again I can tie the money back to school related.

In other words, Im trying to make my life as uncomplicated as possible so I can be as successful as possible, work myself off Disability and maybe one day even buy my own house.

How did this go from the man story to buying a house??? Well, due to the confidence Im starting to gain by having a Service Dog I can see me doing anything I want to do in life, as long as my dog is beside me.

Exhausted

Im flat out exhausted and cant sleep. Im even starting to see double at this point. Life has been interesting to say the least lately and I think Ive reached the point of being afraid to sleep...

The nightmares are too much to take right now, but its not only the nightmares, its also the being afraid of my own brain and memory. Tonight, or last night, at dinner we were talking about a Pathfinder scenario and I asked when it was played and was told "at IHOP". The game I was at, I even had Jasper there with me to help with the anxiety and I still dont remember the damn game i played. This is the kind of thing that makes me feel stupid. Its like my brain plays tricks on me. The sad thing is that I like playing Pathfinder, i just cant seem to absorb enough of it to my memory to make it count to where im a decent enough player.

Right now im starting movie number 4 of the night...I have a list of movies I fall to sleep to at night and tonight its not working. Ive cuddled with Jasper, then we wrestled and played with stuffed animals. Hell, I even took a muscle relaxer and nothing...

So, back to the point. What the fuck is going on with my brain?? Maybe its all the recent changes, stress and goings on that are making it worse right now but nothing, and I mean nothing seems to be sticking when I read or watch videos...Logically I know this is part of Complex PTSD, but illogically it makes me feel stupid when I know Im not.

I just hope that when things slow down or at least settle down into a schedule that all of this will stop. Right now im very close to calling my doctor for that prozac he wanted to put me on but I declined.  

random pictures

Fucking nightmares

Sometimes I wonder how I sleep like I do when I have such horrible night terrors. Of course, I used to have Bones here to wake me from them but now that hes retired and living elsewhere thats not the case. I need to figure out how to train Jasper to wake me from them.

The one last night, or the main one I should say, had my mother and son, along with some old neighbors in it. I believe my sister was in it too. This time no one was trying to kill me at least but the arguing and fighting was violent. My son was still really young, maybe 6 or 7 years old and my daughter wasnt there, not sure why. Mom was gone for the evening and we were living in my old apartment. Teresa was there and we were cleaning and rearranging things because her and her sons were going to move in with us. Her and i were getting along fine and i dont remember the details of what started the argument with my son but he started screaming at me and called me a "Bitch", then ran off to his room.

Mom got back a few hours later and I started explaining things and of course like always it was my fault. Then Dawn, my sister, started in on me and the 3 of us were throwing things, screaming and i was being accused of being the bad person in the situation.

Gee, this is sounding like my real life. And I wonder why I dont have them in my life right now.

I dont remember how the dream ended and that really sucks but I dont...

I do think this stems from the fact that ive been wanting to talk to my mother since before Thanksgiving and Ive tried to call many times but get no answer and she never calls. Theres no answering machine to leave a message on so Im just out...

Maybe someday things will change but I think for now Im just back to square one with her and that means she is out of my life yet again...

A shock

While working on getting my steps in today, yes im one of those fit bit people who tries to always hit  ten thousand steps, the dogs and I decided to take a walk down by the river. Now im not going to say exactly where i live but im in one of the better parts of Columbus and we dont have much trouble around here.  I was letting the dogs explore when i noticed something, an old tattered crocheted blanket, some trash piled up that looks like had been a fire to keep warm by and a few articles of clothing. I have to say it shocked me. I know homelessness is an issue everywhere right now and this could have just been some teens partying it up or it could have been a homeless woman using the bridge to stay under for a night or two.

I know how it feels. Ive been down and out a few times. Had it not been for my brother my ex was going to take me to a homeless shelter. Then with all the trouble at my brothers house had it not been for Matt, who is a dear friend I love and respect very much I would have let myself go homeless rather than stay at my brothers any longer.

I just sit here and wonder was it a woman who has nowhere to go? Was she abused? Have a drug issue? Are there kids involved? Soo many unanswered questions. I just hope that whoever it was is safe now and finds their way.

Life is beautiful

As I sit here this morning sipping my first cup of coffee I find myself reflecting on things.  Im soo super excited about starting college in about a month. I know i can do this. I also know that i have to do other things to keep myself from burning out. So im kicking it into high gear with  my running again, playing pathfinder and of course continuing on training my Service Dog.

Yes this means ill be constantly busy but being as ill be enjoying these things, especially since im majoring in journalism ill have a full happy life with people around me that i love. If anyone would have asked me a year ago what i would be doing I dont think any of these things would have been on my list.  But today they are and im grateful. I do best when i have a structured life and of course the most important part will be college with Jaspers training being next in line but alone with all of that is my health. See, for me being on Social Security Disability is not a means to an end but just a way to survive until i can get my health manageable enough again to where i can rejoin the workforce.

Running a chapter of the Satanic International Network means a lot to me as well, as does the Sect of the Horned God. While I know that without 3 particular people in my life right now i wouldnt be doing any of this I have to also give much thanks and praise to The Sect, SIN and me being a Satanist. See, its not all about believing theres an actual Satan, i believe that we all have a Satan in us, its how we use that energy that makes us or breaks us and ive used it to my advantage to make myself the best i can be. I dont see road blocks, i see speed bumps that i simply have to slow down for for a second or two.  I believe in myself and my own abilities now more than i ever have.

I grew up in a household where if i didnt like doing something i was told i could quit, and i always did, always!!! Now i dont do that. Take the biggest example as of late. Jasper, my Service Dog. I adopted him when he was 4 months old and the only command he knew was sit. 16 months later hes accomplished soo much with me training him that I took him to IHOP to play a game of Pathfinder which probably took 4 hours and had no issues out of him, he was an angel. And I did that, I taught him how to behave, what he can and cant do in public. And as we were leaving there were people commenting that they didnt even know there was a dog in there...Thats one of the best compliments you can get about your Service Dog. Hes my best friend, he blocks people from approaching me, has learned to turn off lights and even with all of this that he does his best friend is a 2 pound kitten.

Enough on this post for now, i have a topic in my head i cant get out that cant be worked into this one.