Im going to try and write this in the best way I know how...with complete honesty and not holding back my thoughts on this even if it may seem hurtful to some.
I have an issue with following through on things...I know Im the only one in control of my actions and feelings but heres my issue. growing up my parents always allowed me to quit anything I wanted to no matter what it was. I ended up quitting 4-H after 2 years, They let me quit band in school because we moved and I didnt know anyone so i was too scared to do it, the list could go on and on. I wish they had pushed me harder, as I ended up with this pattern and Ive been working hard lately to break this pattern but damn it, its not easy.
Just examples, I have 3 half written blog entries for here, i have 3 crochet projects not done in various stages, thats not to mention the cleaning Im behind on or the loads of clothes in the laundry room that I need to go through and fold.
I did manage to get done everything I planned to today which was bathing my dog Bones, getting some laundry done and other things around the house. now Im sitting here trying to decide if I should finish those blogs, work on crochet or my book, or clean my room. Part of me cleaning my room also involves me throwing stuff away as when I move, hopefully into a RV I wont have room for everything I have, especially the clothes.
Throwing things away does not bother me as Im not a material type of person. As long as I have my actual needs met I could care less what other things I have.
Also while I understand I control how things affect me I do blame my PTSD on a few select people who abused me, especially as a child. I didnt ask for those things to happen and it WAS out of my control. Sure, how i handle it is all on me but when your mind is slowly providing you with flash backs that you have to try and piece together of things that happened that I had forgotten its hard to deal with life. Especially if im dealing with something that has triggered me. And, for me triggers can be someone screaming, the sound of a childs voice if Im in a store or in public, hence why i rarely go outside the house due to these. Not to mention my fear of crowds.
You may ask "Why get and live in a RV if youre dealing with this kind of thing?" , well for me getting an RV and living in it for a while will give me the freedom to travel, write while sitting with nature all around me, work on things I need to improve on and also hopefully find more inspirations for my writing. Eventually Id like to be financially independent from my writing, maybe upgrade to a bigger RV than what i plan on starting out with and never settle down in one spot and just travel, do book tours and just live life. And as silly as it may sound it means i would own my own home, something no one can take away from me or kick me out of
Theres a lot in this country and world that I havent seen or done and unfortunately Ive been told i will have a shorter lifespan due to my health issues so I want to seize the moment and do everything i can before that happens.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
what is it about death that we fear
There are many who fear death, but what is the real fear behind it? Is it rational to have this fear? I mean once we take our last breath thats it, nothing more. Our spirit that our body encased just dissipates, we are done. There are those that believe in the afterlife in some form be it heaven and hell, reincarnation or any other type.
i feel that the real fear is if anyone will care enough to be around at that time. We question did we make enough good friends, does our family care enough to be there. Will these people remember me in 3 days from now, in a week, a month even a year. The thing is we never get that answer. We can feel that we know the answer and there are those in our lives that say they will be there and remember us but there is no proof.
There is also the wonderment of leaving a legacy behind. I know personally with me i know my impact on the world has been small, with my biggest achievements being rescuing animals and having 2 children. What do i want remembered about me...i want it to be the animal rescuing, and my writing. i want to be an accomplished writer.
What do you want to be remembered for???
i feel that the real fear is if anyone will care enough to be around at that time. We question did we make enough good friends, does our family care enough to be there. Will these people remember me in 3 days from now, in a week, a month even a year. The thing is we never get that answer. We can feel that we know the answer and there are those in our lives that say they will be there and remember us but there is no proof.
There is also the wonderment of leaving a legacy behind. I know personally with me i know my impact on the world has been small, with my biggest achievements being rescuing animals and having 2 children. What do i want remembered about me...i want it to be the animal rescuing, and my writing. i want to be an accomplished writer.
What do you want to be remembered for???
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Just a wake up writing thing.
i woke up really early this morning, its 6:30 am and im already starting my writing for the day. this post probably wont be anything special, just a way to wake my brain up and make it start thinking so i can work on my book. Ive really been struggling with it lately and i dont know why...unless its the stress from the idea of the deadline...However in the midst of things ive possibly came up with another idea for an adult series of books...we will see what pans out after i get this first book done.
Heres something that scares me...all my life ive been pushed down..ive never really accomplished anything big unless it was at work. When i was in school if i wanted to quit something my mom always let me so i didnt have that push through things discipline and im trying to create that now with my writing. Hell, its easy to sit down and type out a blog entry but to dedicate myself to 200 plus pages that will e on the bookshelves...its kind of intimidating but i think in the end ill be proud of myself for actually getting it done and seeing if i can make it out there in the big word of writing. Not many authors stand out when you compare it to how many have written and id love to find a way to make a career of this.
One of the reasons i havent been blogging as much lately is that im trying to restrain myself from being so negative. i tend to write best, especially in my blog here, when im upset or something offends me and i have a strong point of view. Maybe i should use this as my ranting place but i also dont want to be seen as someone who only has issues with things.
im an enigma there are so many parts to me, the romantic side that loves nature, animals and quiet times. The hard core side that wants to feel pain, yes, physical pain, it drives me...wakes me up and lets me get all my emotions out. Hmm thats a thought to ponder on...all the different sides to me...i may have to make time to do up a list...
Im glad i decided not to put Bones page on hold. Honestly i only did it because i was being preached at, or at least it felt that way...i can handle it if someone says "ill pray for you" or something simple like that. And since its Bones page i simply say thank you and go to the next comment...but a whole comment of preaching was too much for me the other night. i dont know why i let it get to me but i did.
im glad my headache is finally gone...i was starting to worry since i had had it two days and it showed up the day after i hit my head in that damn fall.
Okay, time for me to get to work on my book again. This post was more about waking my brain up than anything.
Heres something that scares me...all my life ive been pushed down..ive never really accomplished anything big unless it was at work. When i was in school if i wanted to quit something my mom always let me so i didnt have that push through things discipline and im trying to create that now with my writing. Hell, its easy to sit down and type out a blog entry but to dedicate myself to 200 plus pages that will e on the bookshelves...its kind of intimidating but i think in the end ill be proud of myself for actually getting it done and seeing if i can make it out there in the big word of writing. Not many authors stand out when you compare it to how many have written and id love to find a way to make a career of this.
One of the reasons i havent been blogging as much lately is that im trying to restrain myself from being so negative. i tend to write best, especially in my blog here, when im upset or something offends me and i have a strong point of view. Maybe i should use this as my ranting place but i also dont want to be seen as someone who only has issues with things.
im an enigma there are so many parts to me, the romantic side that loves nature, animals and quiet times. The hard core side that wants to feel pain, yes, physical pain, it drives me...wakes me up and lets me get all my emotions out. Hmm thats a thought to ponder on...all the different sides to me...i may have to make time to do up a list...
Im glad i decided not to put Bones page on hold. Honestly i only did it because i was being preached at, or at least it felt that way...i can handle it if someone says "ill pray for you" or something simple like that. And since its Bones page i simply say thank you and go to the next comment...but a whole comment of preaching was too much for me the other night. i dont know why i let it get to me but i did.
im glad my headache is finally gone...i was starting to worry since i had had it two days and it showed up the day after i hit my head in that damn fall.
Okay, time for me to get to work on my book again. This post was more about waking my brain up than anything.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
** Possible Trigger**
A few days ago i said i was going to bare my soul on here...im going to show what has kept me strong, reminds me of my past, but at times can shake me to the core.
For some this may need a trigger warning on for. Especially those who are cutters, have PTSD or have ever dont any type of self harm.
Yes For years i have been a cutter. Now please keep in mind i do not do it anymore however because ive done it it makes me more prone to doing it again. Its a daily battle i deal with every day. Making myself be stronger that i was back then. i do have days where i dont feel as strong. But ive learned that its also part of being human and i just didnt know how to accept it...
Never living up to my parents standards, abuse both sexual and verbal, and always feeling that no matter who i was around i was not good enough for them.
I am stronger than that now.
These scars may look bad and yes i get embarrassed by them but im posting these for a reason. And that reason is that i never want to go back to feeling that way again. im ready, ready to leave the past in the past and only look forward. The sad thing is that ive seen much much worse on others than what i have and i feel their pain, when you reach this point you only thing about one thing, or at least i did, the rush of the pain. Yes im also a masochist but there is a big difference between cutting or burning like i did to myself versus controlled pain in which someone else is there and you cant go too far.
Will i still partake in my masochistic? Youre damn right i will!!! I can feed that monster and be safe at the same time.
there are many facets to me...and all intersect somewhere along their paths But today, its about healing. Not letting anyone control me ever again to a point where i lose control. i used to blame others on what ive done to myself but i do realize that while others may have contributed to those feelings making me feel that way...i was ultimately the one at fault...not for the abuse as i know i was not at fault for that but i was in charge of its affects on me and i should have controlled it better.
For some this may need a trigger warning on for. Especially those who are cutters, have PTSD or have ever dont any type of self harm.
Yes For years i have been a cutter. Now please keep in mind i do not do it anymore however because ive done it it makes me more prone to doing it again. Its a daily battle i deal with every day. Making myself be stronger that i was back then. i do have days where i dont feel as strong. But ive learned that its also part of being human and i just didnt know how to accept it...
Never living up to my parents standards, abuse both sexual and verbal, and always feeling that no matter who i was around i was not good enough for them.
I am stronger than that now.
These scars may look bad and yes i get embarrassed by them but im posting these for a reason. And that reason is that i never want to go back to feeling that way again. im ready, ready to leave the past in the past and only look forward. The sad thing is that ive seen much much worse on others than what i have and i feel their pain, when you reach this point you only thing about one thing, or at least i did, the rush of the pain. Yes im also a masochist but there is a big difference between cutting or burning like i did to myself versus controlled pain in which someone else is there and you cant go too far.
Will i still partake in my masochistic? Youre damn right i will!!! I can feed that monster and be safe at the same time.
there are many facets to me...and all intersect somewhere along their paths But today, its about healing. Not letting anyone control me ever again to a point where i lose control. i used to blame others on what ive done to myself but i do realize that while others may have contributed to those feelings making me feel that way...i was ultimately the one at fault...not for the abuse as i know i was not at fault for that but i was in charge of its affects on me and i should have controlled it better.
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