Why??

Im going to try and write this in the best way I know how...with complete honesty and not holding back my thoughts on this even if it may seem hurtful to some.

I have an issue with following through on things...I know Im the only one in control of my actions and feelings but heres my issue. growing up my parents always allowed me to quit anything I wanted to no matter what it was. I ended up quitting 4-H after 2 years, They let me quit band in school because we moved and I didnt know anyone so i was too scared to do it, the list could go on and on. I wish they had pushed me harder, as I ended up with this pattern and Ive been working hard lately to break this pattern but damn it, its not easy.

Just examples, I have 3 half written blog entries for here, i have 3 crochet projects not done in various stages, thats not to mention the cleaning Im behind on or the loads of clothes in the laundry room that I need to go through and fold.

I did manage to get done everything I planned to today which was bathing my dog Bones, getting some laundry done and other things around the house. now Im sitting here trying to decide if I should finish those blogs, work on crochet or my book, or clean my room. Part of me cleaning my room also involves me throwing stuff away as when I move, hopefully into a RV I wont have room for everything I have, especially the clothes.

Throwing things away does not bother me as Im not a material type of person. As long as I have my actual needs met I could care less what other things I have.

Also while I understand I control how things affect me I do blame my PTSD on a few select people who abused me, especially as a child.  I didnt ask for those things to happen and it WAS out of my control. Sure, how i handle it is all on me but when your mind is slowly providing you with flash backs that you have to try and piece together of things that happened that I had forgotten its hard to deal with life. Especially if im dealing with something that has triggered me. And, for me triggers can be someone screaming, the sound of a childs voice if Im in a store or in public, hence why i rarely go outside the house due to these. Not to mention my fear of crowds.

You may ask "Why get and live in a RV if youre dealing with this kind of thing?" , well for me getting an RV and living in it for a while will give me the freedom to travel, write while sitting with nature all around me, work on things I need to improve on and also hopefully find more inspirations for my writing. Eventually Id like to be financially independent from my writing, maybe upgrade to a bigger RV than what i plan on starting out with and never settle down in one spot and just travel, do book tours and just live life. And as silly as it may sound it means i would own my own home, something no one can take away from me or kick me out of


Theres a lot in this country and world that I havent seen or done and unfortunately Ive been told i will have a shorter lifespan due to my health issues so I want to seize the moment and do everything i can before that happens.