How

Thats the question, how? How does one fight through everyday not letting the past destroy them?

i hope someday to have that answer but for now i have this...this blackness that im looking into, and when its not the blackness its the thoughts of the hands on me that took away everything. The worst part right now that im facing is that as a human i was only innocent for a few years...since then its been one man or another taking from me what i should have never had taken...i should have chose to given that innocence away...and it makes me wonder if thats why im so bad at relationships...not just romantic relationships but friendships as well.

Black, just black...memories and horrors from the past that i wish i could burn from my brain...but all i can do is work through them and hope for the best...im not a religious person by any means anymore. i dont care what it is...if there was a god or higher power they would not have let me go through all of this shit. The only thing i have going for me right now is that i know without a doubt that im in the safest place i think ive ever been, i dont have to worry about being taken advantage of, forced to do things against my will or abused and while thats a good thing, hell its wonderful its also scary as hell...ive never been in a place where at any moment the rug could be ripped out from under me and some days i dont know how to act.

Heck how to act is mild...i dont even know who i am...ive always lived my life to make everyone else happy to the point to where somewhere along the line i lost me...i dont know who i am or what i need or want out of my life. i dont know how to do anything on my own...i was taught and trained to do as told...now i do as i pretty much want and do you know how hard that is some days??? without guidance, without structure hell even without fear...and i want to make it clean i am not talking only about my ex Master, im talking about those who have ruled me all my life from my mother, to my kids who needed things, my bosses. All in control of my life, not me...and now that ive taken back my life i dont know what to do with it...ive been struggling with it for a little over a year and im not making much progress. i dont go outside unless i have to because im scared of seeing people i dont want to see by accident, going to a store while others may think its getting easier for me is only getting harder...i cant keep my mind on one thing very long anymore so my writing has truly suffered but i am determined to get that damned book done this year.

The only thing i have figured out is that i do want to become a tattoo artist and ive starting doing some work on it at home and while i still have a lot to learn im working on it...and its something that also feeds my masochistic side...im one of those that needs to feel pain on a constant basis to survive...its the pain that lets me know im still alive, even if i dont want to be. Thats why in a way it only makes sense that i have lupus and fibromyalgia and all the other shit that i deal with...it reminds me everyday that im still alive.

For me, being alive isnt always a good thing...id trade it in a heartbeat to not be however i have one being that needs and depends on me and i cant let him down. i swore the day i rescued him that his days of pain and heartache were over and that no matter what i had to do we would be together til he takes his last breath and that time is a ways away. so, for him i must struggle each day to protect, care for and love, and i gladly do.

i know this has been a weird entry and maybe some of it vague but i had to just get some thoughts out and see if i could start to organize my thoughts enough to do some more work on my book.