I woke up to a train wreck in my head, metaphorically of course, More vivid flashbacks than ive ever had, giving me a few more pictures and touches in my head of what happened to me. Its heart wrenching and extremely frightening. Im holding it together as i have Bones sitting here with me ( those who dont know him, hes my Service Dog for my PTSD). Im panicky, shaking, barely able to type but feel i must to try and get this put of my head. I know it wont work as it is more pieces to the puzzle i have to finish putting together but i just dont know what brought it on...was it my brothers texts even though the flash backs were not about him??? Did something else trigger it??? I have no clue this time but it felt so real, i was asleep but awake, watching what was going on in my mind...what my brain was releasing to me. Ive never had any feeling, dream or flashback like this. I was frightened and tried to scream out but couldnt, i couldnt even alert Bones that i needed him to wake me up from the odd state i was in. I really really need a shower, i feel so dirty after all of that, but im going to wait til the others in the house have had their showers this morning as i know ill take a while. Its taking everything i have not to wake up Matt just because i need to be held and feel safe, he in one of the few in this world i truly trust and know im safe with.
Maybe i let my stress build up too much, maybe it was just time for another piece to my puzzled life...i have no idea and dont really care i just know i feel like hell right now. My head is pounding, my heart is skipping beats, im nauseous and while id love to get some more sleep im afraid to sleep at the same time.
This may all sound terrible and it is but im going to use the energy of the hate and hurt and use it to work on my book today. Who knows what things ill end up writing or how much ill get done. All i know is i remember the last time i was having flashbacks i did the best writing i had ever done in my life...See, it may be a bad thing but i do know how to turn it around and make it productive and thats the key.
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